12 socially awkward situations

I am a social disaster. Despite my love of speaking (show me a stage and I long to be on it), I am painfully shy. I find social events excruciating. That’s why I have a drink first and sober up while everyone except the designated drivers gets steadily plastered. Sources of anxiety are numerous and include, but are not limited to:

1. Walking into a room full of people at an event and frantically scanning them for a familiar face. That’s when you wish you had one of those cool radar scanning devices you used to see on Airwolf. I can’t wait for the socially awkward augmented reality app that will tell me who everybody is just by waving my iPhone at them.

2. Establishing that there is nobody you know and standing in the corner with your canapés, observing everybody else and hoping you’re invisible.

3. Wondering whether somebody knows who the hell you are when you meet them again. I tend to assume they don’t remember me, and reintroduce myself.

4. Being that person who doesn’t remember the other person who just had to reintroduce themselves to you.

5. Hovering near a person you wish to speak to, only they’re deep in conversation with somebody else so you have to wait. What is the accepted dwell time for speaking to somebody at a social event? 10 seconds? 30? At what point does it become obvious that you’re never going to be noticed, and it would be advisable to slink away with 20% of your dignity intact?

6. Having to peer at somebody’s name badge at a networking event. Or trying to peer at it. Most name badges cannot be deciphered at 10 paces and are therefore useless.

7. That moment when you’re in conversation with somebody and you’ve had enough, but don’t know how to leave politely, and you’re waiting for an excuse to duck.

8. Being that person who’s enjoying the conversation when the other isn’t.

9. Meeting somebody you know when you’re out with somebody else, and you’re not sure whether to introduce them to one another. It’s worse when you’re the one left out and feeling like a spare kidney while they carry on yakking.

10. Being marooned at the boring end of the dinner table when you’d rather be talking to one of the other guests, and having to soldier on through the no man’s land of smiling and nodding. Surely one of the 12 labours of Hercules was Making Conversation.

11. Crumbs present a special set of challenges. I am terrified of them. Either they’re dusted down my front when I’m wearing black, or clustered on my chin. I have no feeling in one side of my chin thanks to a wisdom tooth op, so this happens to me frequently.

12. Seeing a mortal enemy and spending the entire evening blanking them. Blanking is very hard work and there’s always the risk of direct eye contact.

I could go on, but I don’t want to be the bore everybody avoids while the extroverts have a good time. I would like to know, though, whether I am the only one. Do others experience this? Which of these situations do you find socially awkward?