Polokwane: Bargain bazaar for albinos and gunslingers

Poor old Polokwane — dragged kicking and screaming into the limelight by a political party’s national conference. Surely the town once known as Pietersburg is newsworthy for more than the fact that a bunch of politicians and thieves has gathered there to squabble over the spoils? A quick trawl of the internet to find out what else goes on in and around Polokwane proves enlightening. Nothing happens that doesn’t involve a politician, a crooked civil servant or — God bless them — an albino or three.

Things looked pretty good in the Sowetan of November 22 2007, which tells us that Polokwane, one of the 2010 World Cup host cities, that day embarked on a branding process to position itself as an ideal world tourist destination. Hmmm … that’s nice and positive. Executive mayor Thabo Makunyane told the paper that “business, interest groups and the public were engaged to express their perceptions about the current state of the city”, which is the sort of thing that mayors anywhere in the world say daily. So far, so good.

Hang on — what’s this? A Google search on Makunyane’s name comes up with something quite startling. A report in the Sowetan dated just a couple of weeks after his announcement implies that our friend the mayor may have jumped the gun a little — literally — in his efforts to change the city’s image. Perhaps he had Tombstone or Dodge City in mind for twinning with his city when he caused the Sowetan to run the headline “Mayor in firearm stand-off” on December 14 — that’s last Friday, as the ANC national conference was about to start.

According to reporter Mike Maponya, the mayor had words with ANC councillor Calvin Selajoe at the municipality’s year-end function, and the two expressed their opinions so vehemently that they eventually threatened to shoot each other dead. “It is alleged that in the process Makunyane went for his waist where his firearm was hanging. Selajoe also went for his firearm which was on his hip.” This is riveting stuff. Luckily, says the Sowetan, a former mayor of Polokwane, Lawrence Mapoulo, intervened to prevent bloodshed. Both would-be gunmen then laid charges with the police, who most likely hope the matter will just go away.

Let’s take a look at Lawrence Mapoulo, apparently the good guy in this little fracas. Whoops — what’s this? As in Tombstone and Dodge City, local politics sure get exciting in Polokwane. On November 21, a story on — you guessed it — the Sowetan website flies under the bold headline “Ex-mayor up for assault”. The website reports that “former Polokwane mayor Makgaba Mapoulo was among the three people accused of assaulting a Limpopo ANC Youth League leader”. This begs the question: Is Makgaba Mapoulo the skull-breaker the same ex-mayor as Lawrence Mapoulo the peacemaker?

A quick visit to the IEC website to scrutinise the candidates for the 2006 local government election unearths a Makgabo Lawrence Mapoulo standing for the ANC in Polokwane. Despite the slight difference in spelling, it seems like we have the same guy. The report says that the three accused will appear in court on March 5 next year to face charges of assault with intent to cause grievous bodily harm. Assault GBH is a far cry from plain assault, because it implies that a deadly weapon was wielded with serious intent to change both the opposition’s viewpoint and the status of his health permanently. Mapoulo’s co-accused were Bodikana Joseph Buthane, the regional secretary of the Young Communist League, and an ordinary member of the ANC Youth League called Ledikwa Lucas Ramoshaba. Things must get really exciting when this mob “engages to express their perceptions about the current state of the city” with people who aren’t their allies.

So what else have we got in the news from Polokwane? Well, there’s the story about a murder trial, where a Ugandan artist strangled his stepdaughter to spite his Muslim wife who worked at a Cape Town escort agency. She had, according to evidence, enjoyed a fling with the Premier of Limpopo province, Sello Moloto, who allegedly flew her to Polokwane for a weekend. An SMS, reputedly from Moloto, was produced as evidence. “I had more nice time making love to you than the time we did at penthouse the PARADISE in Cape Town, I wish my wife doe’s not return earlier than expected. I would not mind to have you again.” Lucky girl.

On December 14, the Independent Online reported that the regional land-claims commissioner for Limpopo, Mashile Mokono, was released on bail after being arrested on charges of perjury and fraud amounting to R2,5-million. And, three months ago, Limpopo health MEC Sekoati Seaparo admitted that he was a shareholder in companies that won contracts from provincial government — he’s alleged to have benefited by R500-million through those transactions.

Even the albinos are climbing on the bandwagon — you thought I’d never get back to them, didn’t you? The Citizen on December 18 reported that a group of melanin-disadvantaged characters, who already receive free sunblock from the state, lied to their communities, saying they needed cash to buy lotion to protect their delicate skins against skin cancer. The cheeky buggers then spent the money they collected on drugs and booze! Police, would you believe it, say that three arrests will be made as soon as a docket has been opened.

Polokwane’s prospects of cutting the mustard as an “ideal world tourist destination” look decidedly dodgy, if you ask me. Tourists might at first think the gunplay and fisticuffs were laid on for their entertainment, but once a couple of Germans and Frenchmen caught stray bullets and punches, the rest would most likely work out what was really happening and steer clear of the place in future.

A report that came through from the Times on Tuesday December 18 gives an indication of just how weird our politics have got. Describing how security officials blew open the window of a suspiciously unattended vehicle at the conference centre that morning, the report says that people who heard the blast thought it may have been a shooting during the long-awaited vote for the party’s top-six candidates. “Oh — the ANC’s just picking a new leader. That’s all right then.”

Samuel Johnson said, way back in 1777, that when a man is tired of London, he is tired of life. I reckon that if he’d arrived in Polokwane in December 2007, he’d have shot himself within 30 minutes. If the mayor didn’t beat him to the draw …