Jackie Selebi, directed by Martin Scorsese

By Sipho Hlongwane

Ever since the SABC started strangling itself through a series of monumental cock-ups, there has barely been anything worth watching on TV. I’m not too depressed about that. Who needs the SABC when we have our politicians? I don’t think we’ve had a dull moment in South African politics, at least not since Thabo Mbeki’s first term in power. Remember Dr Beetroot, the Mbeki vs Tutu dance-off (which I think our irrepressible grandfather of the frock won, if only because of the unfortunate ballet tutu puns) and of course the memorable Zuma corruption and rape cases? Name me one SABC show that’s produced better entertainment.

And now that Julius Malema seems to have finally taken some headache tablets, Jackie Selebi has stepped neatly into the breach. Whichever way his corruption case pans out, we’re guaranteed something watchable, and I don’t just mean the self-serious demeanour of the 7 o’clock anchors.

I don’t know if any big Hollywood producers are watching the Selebi trial closely, but I do hope that they are. It would be a film-making travesty if no one made a film of this case. The Selebi corruption case has the intrigue, the high-level corruption, the meetings in fancy cafés and the snazzy suits necessary to make a Hollywood crime film. It has been pointed out that there’s an uncanny resemblance between Jackie Selebi and Morgan Freeman. Of course, Freeman will have to work on his sneering aloofness in order to bag the role. Robert De Niro would make an excellent Glenn Agliotti, I think. We just need a short black guy with the right set of teeth to play Thabo Mbeki, and we’re good to go. Give it to Martin Scorsese to direct, and we could be looking at two Oscars, at the very least!

The film could start with Selebi throwing down the gauntlet at the judiciary. Bring it on, he’ll bark into the cameras and recorders. Then in an unexpected twist, the prosecution will announce that Selebi’s former consort would testify against him. Suddenly our antagonist wouldn’t be so sure of himself. He’d change his tune of boisterous defiance to one of simmering anger. The press will undoubtedly scurry about, as they always do in crime blockbusters. I tell you, give John Logan, David Peoples or William Monaghan a crack at the screenplay, we’d have a masterpiece on our hands.

If they get the right wardrobe people, they could be looking at a Golden Globe or Academy Award nomination for that too. They should use Jeffrey Kurland, who did costume design for Ocean’s Eleven. Having those über-expensive suits on set wouldn’t be a stretch, not after it was revealed that Agliotti and Selebi bought shoes for our ex-president in an upmarket Sandton City store. Incidentally, I see much potential for mirth here. According to Agliotti’s testimony, Selebi was having some difficulty finding a pair of shoes for Mbeki because he has small and broad feet. I can already picture Freeman with a tiny pair of shoes in his hands and the straightest of expressions on his face, explaining his shoe size dilemma to De Niro.

How do you like my film so far?

What about danger? No Scorsese film is ever complete without that sinister element. Well, there was one moment … remember when Mr Agliotti said that he didn’t like the chief prosecutor? I believe his exact words were: “The accused doesn’t like Mr Nel and I don’t know many people who do.” I was on the edge of my seat, then. Was he threatening the prosecution? Was this local Mafiosi lingo for “you’re a dead man, Mr Nel”? Of course, Mr Agliotti ruined the moment by promptly bursting into tears. As it turns out, he was merely saying that Mr Nel isn’t the sort of chap you invite round for a braai.

And the element of tragedy? Supplied by the words “Based on true events”, which will appear right after the opening titles.

Sipho Hlongwane is a blogger (http://ministryofinternalunderstanding.wordpress.com) and an aspiring writer. He calls first dibs on the film rights of Jackie Selebi.