Ten places I’d sooner live than have a green card

The way America touts its green card about the world and around the internet in “green-card lotteries”, as if we were all desperate to live in the US, gives me the zig.

What is it about the “American Way” that is so off-putting? Is it the way Americans love to pat themselves on the back and remind themselves (and us) of how wonderful they all are, how right their “way” is? The American way they strut around as if their plumage were just so much more special than that of the other birds in the barnyard? The American way with which, with unctuous largesse, they dole out green cards to the rest of us as if they were doing us some kind of favour? As if we all wanted one? I sure as hell don’t.

Green-card lotteries pop up during internet searches with self-righteous presumption. Roll up, roll up, everybody! Come and live in the greatest country on planet Earth, the land of the free and the home of the brave (that is, the few braves who are left, if you can find their reservations). Come and be an American and you too can lord it over people from lesser countries. Better still, if they don’t toe the American line, you can fly to their countries and bomb the shit out of them. It’s the American Way, yeee-hah!

Tell me I’m not alone in this. A favour? To live in the US? I’d sooner have gangrene than a green card. I could name 10 places I’d rather live, without drawing breath. It’s one thing putting up with Americans on the big screen, but to have them in the house next door and the one next to that, in all the cars you pass on the roads, in all the queues in every bank, in every other seat in the cinema, all over the trains and buses, to have them everywhere you go is, is …

I mean, imagine that. It’s just too much of a thought to bear, let alone what the reality might be like. I would run screaming into the sea.

Nah. Given a choice, here’s where I’d much rather live …

Dublin
Give me Ireland any day. I love the Irish. They’re self-effacing, witty, canny and they know how to have fun and make the best of things even in the direst times. Oddly, few Americans seem to have retained these aspects of the Irish part of their ancestry.

Adversity brings out the best in the Irish. Maybe that’s it? Maybe Americans have had it too good for too long. Maybe they need a little adversity for a season or two. Learn a little humility; adopt a little irony. (Mind you, Iraq gave them a degree of adversity eight years ago and what did they do? Four years later they voted for carrying on destroying Iraq. Let’s see what they vote for this November, but let’s not hold our breath.)

Rome
Italians are great. They sing, they eat, they live, and when war breaks out all around them, they flounder around trying to stay alive until the bad people go away. If we all had that attitude, there’d be scant need for war in the world. I wouldn’t want to drive in Rome, mind you. Romans drive as if every other car is the enemy; incessantly rolling down their windows and shouting stuff about the other drivers’ mamas and changing lanes as if there were no lanes. OK, I think I’m talking myself out of living in Rome, but I’d still rather take my chances on the Roman roads than live in the US.

Paris
Sure, the French could teach even some Americans a thing or two about arrogance, but look at the climate, the countryside and the lifestyle, let alone the food and wine. Driving down the Champs-Élysées in Paris and around the Arc de Triomphe is one of the most exhilarating things you can do in this world. You fancy some Hollywood in your life? Go to Cannes every May for one of the biggest events on the Hollywood calendar — French-style.

Prague
One of the world’s most beautiful cities, the capital of the Czech Republic straddles a river with fabulous bridges and is filled with gorgeous buildings from many periods, all remarkably intact, the city having been unscathed in World War II. The local food is not great — lots of stodgy dumplings, and duck often overcooked and undersauced — but with such beauty around you and excellent shopping, I’d buy great ingredients and cook at home.

London
My favourite city in the world, London is not English in the way of any other city or village in the United Kingdom. It is possibly the world’s most cosmopolitan city, with more than half of its residents coming from other countries. Almost everywhere you go there is a lovely green park within walking distance. The shopping and food are spectacular. There is a surprise around every corner. Just one thing: to live in London, and well, means having to be well-off. There’s not much point in putting up with all that commuting if the dosh isn’t worth it.

Bath
While the rest of England went Victorian in the 19th century, this south-western city remained supremely Georgian in architectural style, to the extent that Queen Victoria, when passing through this unique town, remained in the back of her carriage with the curtains drawn, refusing to gaze upon this architectural snub. Bath is simply sublime and I could readily spend many years enjoying its charms.

Brighton
My third English choice of a home city would be Brighton, nicknamed “London by the sea” for having much of the capital’s mood and style while hugging a lovely stretch of the southern coastline. Great for night life, from bars and clubs to theatre and excellent live music venues that frequently host international touring acts.

Amsterdam, city of tolerance
Ironic, isn’t it, that the country that is a significant part of the Afrikaner’s distant heritage has as its capital a city renowned for its tolerant attitudes to life, drugs and sex? There’s nothing Calvinistic about Amsterdam. This is a glorious city, rich in art and history, and architecturally unique. Great transport too, although it’s tempting to adopt the local habit of riding old bicycles alongside the canals.

Hong Kong
If a Manhattan-like skyline is to your taste, Hong Kong delivers it and then some. Even humdrum apartment blocks soar up 50 storeys. Hong Kong has everything a buzzing world city can offer plus mountains juxtaposed with water, as in Cape Town, and a thrilling blend of Eastern and Western cultures. Some of the shopping is hellishly expensive, some dirt-cheap. There’s superb cuisine from every nation on Earth. But, like South Africa, it is very, very far from many world capitals.

Cape Town
Yeah, I’d much sooner live in my old home town than in America. I have a friend who likes to say: “A liberal is only a conservative who hasn’t been mugged.” I was once almost mugged in Prague (we avoided the two thugs with some fancy footwork). I lived in Chichester. We were burgled within our first two months. I live in the Karoo. We’ve had two break-ins, one of which was a serious burglary.

I don’t wish to tempt the fates, but I managed to live in the Mother City for 30 years without a break-in or a mugging. Cape Town is a world city. In any world city, there are crime and risks. Tread carefully, use your peripheral vision, know when to go where and when not to, just as you would in London or Prague. And enjoy life in one of the most glorious cities on planet Earth.

Stuff your green card, Uncle Sam. Park it where the sun don’t shine.

Where would you rather live in the world, and why?