Ndumiso Ngcobo

The Pope and Balaam’s ass

I am a Catholic, albeit a semi-practising one. Don’t make me go into the detail — let’s just say the missus is not perpetually knocked up despite our nocturnal scrums every Tuesday night. I don’t have the full complement of Catholic sacraments but I have received Baptism, Holy Communion, Confirmation and Marriage. They’re still hogging…

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The future of The Silwane Files

I suppose it was always inevitable. Someone was bound to see my column in the Sunday Times, add one and one and get eleven. Look, I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a bunch of immature gits who find titillation in sordid tales about teenagers fornicating in public restrooms. But…

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Sex and Coldplay in the middle stall

So, two teenagers had intercourse in a public toilet today. At 3pm. The one in the afternoon. I had just come from a meeting in Melville when I decided to withdraw some cash at Campus Square. On my way from the ATM I went into the public restrooms next to the Standard Bank. The first…

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Apparently, I have no fashion sense

A few weeks ago I was invited to an ANC election rally in Sandton’s trendy Taboo nightclub. I think they called the rally the Fikile Mbalula Birthday Bash. I went because I can’t resist free beer. Also, the Afro-pop songstress Kelly Khumalo was performing there. I like looking at listening to her. Because the invite…

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Auctioning Kgomotso to the highest bidder

I believe that there is a dearth of insightful, incisive yet irreverent and witty social commentary on these shores. Look, our publishing houses churn out enough political commentary and biographies. And of course there is a market for that type of work. But if I see yet another 1 100-page book on the arms deal, I…

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Would you buy my newspaper?

Apparently newspapers used to report the news. I can’t say for sure because that was before my time. Those were the days. It has been my observation that reporting the news in newspapers has become old-fashioned. Let’s call the current approach in the mainstream print media the Bugger-Facts-Opinion-Rules (BFOR) model. So, for instance, if Tito…

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Human nature will triumph over the internet

At about 10.30 on Friday evening I returned a missed call from one of the cultureless, classless and nondescript collection of heathens I’m known to consort with from time to time. They call themselves the MOT — or Men Of Thirst. Let’s call this particular savage Xolani, for that is, after all, what his folks…

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Are you ‘sensible’ or ‘formerly sensible’ about Zuma?

So the Zuma Tsunami was really unstoppable after all. This is the greatest news ever. Or a national tragedy of calamitous proportions. Jacob Zuma is one of those individuals who always seem to bring it out in everyone. The passion, I mean. I have yet to meet an individual who shrugged and went, “Zuma? I…

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When people used to like me

I remember a time when people used to like me. Those were the days. Conventional wisdom dictates that the older we grow, the wiser we become. I don’t know any more. I hope you don’t dispute the fact that being liked by people is significantly better than being despised. At no other prior stage in…

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So what are YOUR narrow interests in these elections?

My wife and I were driving in Garsfontein in the general Tshwane area this past weekend when we spotted a guy in a blue Audi S3 Sport with Jacob Zuma’s grinning mugshot and the words, “Vote ANC” emblazoned on the driver’s side door panel. The first thing that struck me about this is that it…

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