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Sharks supporter disintegrates

I know that it’s probably none of your business but recently I have witnessed a tragedy that, to me, dwarfs all the suffering that we see daily on television and I felt that I had to share the same with you.

If you are squeamish or faint-hearted stop reading this immediately.

I have a cousin who was considered to be the next Albert Einstein.

Not for this genius the skipping of the odd class or two he was enrolled at Wits University by age 12 where he began to study towards becoming a theoretical physicist.

Unfortunately for him – let’s call him Nala for ease of reference – his incredible brilliance somehow rendered him a social misfit who couldn’t dress himself, speak to women or hold a conversation with ordinary people. It almost destroyed him. So intense was his depression that he cried almost incessantly, refused to leave his home and eventually became a Sharks season ticket holder.


His parents were so distraught they contemplated suicide.

Fortunately, or unfortunately depends on your thinking, they took him to a psychiatrist who, in tandem with a psychologist, examined every aspect of Nala’s life in order to ascertain whether there was any way that they could achieve a workable normality while retaining his brilliance.

They concluded that it was simply not possible.

Nala was too bright to be the genius he was and conform to normal behaviour.

The solution, they sadly informed his parents, was to undergo a full frontal lobotomy and ensure that they removed at least half his brain.

The parents despairing of any workable alternatives consented to an operation which was performed immediately.

The surgery went well and everyone was mightily relieved when Nala started to speak and act age appropriate.

As one would expect however there was a definite side effect in that he went from genius to wenner overnight.

Gone were any thoughts of becoming a theoretical physicist, our “genius” (wenner) had decided that he wanted to become a CHOCOLATIER!

“A chocolatier is someone who makes confectionery from chocolate. Chocolatiers are distinct from chocolate makers, who create chocolate from cacao beans and other ingredients.” (Wikipedia)

When we were growing up an oke who made chocolate was a chocolate maker (no change) and an oke who made confectionary out of chocolate was a baker.

Today it are a chocolatier because each industry is trying to outdo the rest by making up pretentious names for doing the same mundane job.

They even have MASTER CHOCOLATIERS which I would imagine is the oke who makes the confectionary while tied to the mast of a ship.

These guys apparently get rank.

You’d also be rank if you tried to bake confectionary while tied to the mast of a ship … but I’m losing the point here.

His eternally distraught parents called me in tears and asked me what they should do.

I phoned my local vet who said that it wasn’t a problem – we could have him spayed and if that doesn’t work we have him put down.


Remember, every time you sit there wallowing in your misery, that somewhere out there are parents whose son wants to be a chocolatier while in possession of a Sharks season ticket.