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Liverpool to retain Suarez for Crufts

Liverpool manager Brendan Rodgers moved swiftly to quell any talk of serial biter Luis Suarez leaving Anfield following the striker’s attack on Chelsea defender Branislav Ivanovic midway through the second half of yesterday’s 2-2 draw with Chelsea.

Rodgers said that as soon as the striker returned to the changeroom he had given him several smacks on the nose before chaining him to a pole.

“When Luis signed for the club the management thought that his overbite was down to bad dentistry … turns out he’s been biting players before, even at Ajax … ”

The Liverpool manager said that the club’s board had convened an urgent meeting after the game.

“They contacted the FA who told ‘em that there was a chance that Suarez could play in England again but only after Halley’s Comet returns.”

In effect this means that Liverpool’s most valuable asset is rendered worthless.

Or is he?

Using a bit of Welsh nous aligned to Scouser cunning the board and manager have decided to enter the Uruguayan in Crufts 2013 and thereafter make him available for stud.

This came as a huge relief to Suarez after the board’s initial offer to the FA of having him spayed as a means of calming him down and thereby reducing any ban.

Rodgers was philosophical: “We’ve got ‘im down for Best of Breed and Working and Pastoral … can’t be bad.”

A club spokesperson said that instead of training with the players Luis would have his own personal trainer who would be throwing a tennis ball for him to fetch.

Rodgers laughed: “After the Patrice Evra incident we tried training Luis with a tennis ball … he was mad keen for it and on one occasion when I threw it too far it landed on the back of a truck … give up? Not a chance, first time we found out what happened was when the owner of the truck called us from a diner in Luton to tell us to come and fetch him off the back … had the ball in his mouth too … was growling at the driver every time he tried to get the ball.”

Liverpool also confirmed that Suarez (soon to be known as Shadow) would be having his distemper shots later today.