Robert Mugabe
Hi, I’m Bob,

I am in my late middle ages, which is exactly how I run my country, like the Late Middle Ages. A great famine followed by a bubonic plague-like population reduction. But enough about history, let’s talk about me. As I’m being forced to enter into power sharing I figured that I’d get a part-time job to fill in all those spare hours. Something that requires people kills.

At first I thought about being the CEO of a large chemical company but that would take years of government and environmental studies before I achieve anything like the recognition I deserve. No good at all. What I’m looking for is something in ICBM sales, preferably somewhere in Asia. My contact details are set out above.

If I’m not in ask for Grace.

Osama bin Laden
Hi, I’m Osama,

Much as I’ve enjoyed cave dwelling these past few years I’m actually beginning to find it all rather tiresome. If it’s not American bombers overhead then you can guarantee that some of my geniuses will be fiddling around with heavy equipment just as I’m settling down to Days of our Lives.

I mean, what is the point of trying to keep track of the intricacies of this wonderful show when half the time the explosions are interfering with my signal and then my barbarians are making such an awful din that I might as well be watching a silent movie? If I have to count the number of times I’ve had to go outside and pistol whip those morons I’d be here all day! It’s not as if I haven’t explained to them time and time again that this is a serial, so if I miss an episode I might as well not watch at all! You lose the continuity.

If anyone knows of somewhere clean, with a modicum of security (a couple of Scuds, one or two SAM’s … no questions asked) and good television reception, kindly drop off the address at the usual place. You know where.

It will be collected.

George Bush
Hi, I’m George

People often ask me whether I’m sad to be handing over to the new president in a couple of months. Hell no!

When I leave our trade deficit will be well over a trillion dollars, the taxpayers will be footing the bill to bail out Wall Street fat cats and our manufacturing index will stand at its lowest point in years.

And that’s just financial.

Our troops are all over the globe. Those that aren’t in Afghanistan and Iraq now will probably land up in some other far-flung conflict soon. Iran is going nukkeler. Pakistan, who we’re shelling from Afghanistan, are nukkeler and could get nasty some time real soon and India, with our blessing, has built up quite a decent little nukkeler stockpile.

So I phoned the South African president this week and asked him if I could come live there.

It’s not safe here anymore.

Julius Malema
Hi, I’m Julius.

Got home late from a meeting of the Youth League last night because one of our members believes that he has discovered the secret of fire. Exciting stuff!

You’ll also be amazed to learn that we have started a knitting club to help us win the election. We hit each other with clubs and see whose bones take the longest to knit.

We’re thinking of patenting it.

Don’t forget to DIE FOR ZUMA!

Sarah Palin
Hi, I’m Sarah

Today I thought I’d give my readers my favourite recipe just to show them what a wholesome, good ol’ all American gal I really am. Hold on to your britches folks because it’s :

Moose a La Orange

  • Shoot a moose
    [Take pictures with bloody moose and kids for press in order to try and lure all those Hillary Clinton voters. Who knows, could to be tons of homicidal Alaskan moose hunters among them?)

    Ingredients

  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1/4 teaspoon pepper
  • 24 ounces ginger ale
  • 1 teaspoon ginger root, sliced
  • 1 cup orange juice
  • 1/2 cup dark brown sugar
  • 1/2 cup orange marmalade
  • 2 tablespoons scallions, chopped
  • 5 tablespoons orange brandy

    Directions

  • Preheat oven to 450° Farenheit
  • Rinse, and remove antlers before skinning your moose.
  • Take a sharp knife and warn the kids to do their homework and not to come home pregnant again.
  • Use axe to hack moose into oven size chunks and place on a rack in a roasting pan.
  • Place in preheated oven for about seven minutes. Turn moose chunks over and place in oven for another three to five minutes. Remove from oven [remember to turn that doggone oven off] and move moose to a cutting board.
  • Allow it to cool enough that you can handle it.

    Preheat oven to 350°.

  • Place moose chunks skin side down on a roasting pan, sprinkle salt and black pepper. Bake in preheated oven at 350°, for 10 minutes.
  • While moose is cooking, in a two quart saucepan, combine ginger ale with sliced ginger, bring to boil; reduce heat and simmer until reduced to about one cup. Add orange juice, brown sugar, orange marmalade, and chopped scallions and two tablespoons brandy.
  • Bring to the boil, reduce heat and simmer until mixture is a thin syrup. This takes about 30 minutes. Remove ginger; turn moose chunks and drain fat. Baste with sauce and then return to oven and bake for seven minutes.

    Down three glasses of brandy neat.

    Place moose on serving platter and smother with sauce (mix all the ingredients you haven’t used).

    Serve with wild rice, or potatoes and parsley.

    Best served with a decilitre of Chateaux Detroit Carburettornet (It’s a red, don’t let the colour fool you).

    Next week: Feeding starving people on discarded hockey pucks

    • Author

    • Mike Trapido is a criminal attorney and publicist having also worked as an editor and journalist. He was born in Johannesburg and attended HA Jack and Highlands North High Schools. He married Robyn in 1984 (Mrs Traps, aka "the government") and has three sons (who all look suspiciously like her ex-boss). He was a counsellor on the JCCI for a year around 1992. His passions include Derby County, Blue Bulls, Orlando Pirates, Proteas and Springboks. He takes Valium in order to cope with Bafana Bafana's results. Practice Michael Trapido Attorney (civil and criminal) 011 022 7332 Facebook

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    Michael Trapido

    Mike Trapido is a criminal attorney and publicist having also worked as an editor and journalist. He was born in Johannesburg and attended HA Jack and Highlands North High Schools. He married Robyn...

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