Michael Trapido
Michael Trapido

Gary Bailey and the sycophants! The Man United story

If there’s one thing that is guaranteed to get me going, it’s a season-long attack on Derby County. My form, every time I turn on to SuperSport 3 to watch Derby being whupped by somebody, I get Bailey and his sycophants going on about “the worst team since the Triassic … most pathetic effort ever witnessed in a sporting arena since Eddie the Eagle” and so on and so forth!

If it’s not my mate Terrence “You’re absolutely roight, Gary” Paine, then it’s that genius Eddie “I hope Derby get thrashed” Lewis.

Worse — Bailey and Lewis are Man United supporters! I thought that the Premiership had turned the corner on this one when it banned players from hitting the woodwork — in case Man United supporters came crawling out of it.

How about Bolton on Saturday, guys?

Recently I had the misfortune of doing a case in Cape Town for a couple of weeks with two Man United-supporting advocates. I was very decent about it — I kept telling the drug lords outside the high court that there were two informants disguised as advocates coming to court in a few minutes.

Did counsel thank me? Hell, no!

Mind you, I did think that wearing the Groucho Marx fake-glasses-and-moustache combos was a bit excessive — even for those two clowns.

I miss them, but the wankers at the witness-protection programme won’t let me see them.

I know the drug lords missed them too — with every bullet so far.

Anyhow, let’s not dismiss the case against Bailey and his sycophants too soon.

When they interview Bailey’s co-analysts, do they have a set audition or can the candidates say what they want?

More like:

Gary: “I think Manchester United are the most incredible team in the world. They should be given the freedom of the planet, knighted to a man and former players allowed to ride the busses for free until they die!”

Candidate number one (before the lobotomy): “What a load of crap! Liverpool have won more league titles and European Cups and Arsenal play better football at a fraction of the cost.”

Candidate number one (after the lobotomy): “You’re absolutely roight, Gary!”

I mean, FFS, I could do that! I’d rather be caught in Soweto wearing the costume of a Klu Klux Klan Grand Dragon spouting racist abuse than do it, but it is physically possible!

Gary: “I think Arsenal are a fair side but Sir Alex has said that this is the best team he’s put together since he’s been at Manchester United.”

Candidate number two (before the lobotomy): “Crap! United were chasing shadows the whole game. The only reason people think Arsenal were lucky is because they had to score in the death to equalise. Otherwise Wenger’s lot played you off the park.”

Candidate number two (after the lobotomy): “You’re absolutely roight, Gary!”

It’s pathetic!

Of course I’d be remiss in my duties if I failed to point out to Gary and the sycophants that Arsenal have now gone three points clear at the top, Man City are only a point behind Man United (having spent $7-trillion less), and Chelsea are only two off United and Liverpool, with a game in hand, three points behind them.

In other words, this unbeatable, best-ever squad that Sir Alex has ever had, have a pack of dogs breathing down their necks like never before.

Still, the January transfer window is coming. I’m sure Sir Alex can freshen up the squad by spending another 50-billion squid.

Then he can have the bestest best squad he has ever put together!

If I ever get the chance to implement rule changes in the Premiership, these are the first five I’m going for :

1. No referee will award Man United their compulsory penalty at Old Trafford, unless he is prepared to award the away team a penalty for the same offence committed in United’s penalty area.

2. Any United players who surround the referee will immediately be sent off.

3. If during time added on, Sir Alex looks at his watch, he will be required to swallow it.

4. Any sycophantic commentator who waffles on about United will be required to furnish the viewers with the cost of putting together the squads of both teams.

5. Any SuperSport analyst who says “You’re absolutely roight, Gary” gets his mouth washed out with soap as soon as they are off air.

That’ll slow the geniuses down!