Michael Trapido
Michael Trapido

Obama Barack’s Clinton while Giuliani’s a Rudy lefty thingy

With all the runners in this year’s “November nominate a handicapped juvenile stakes” heading for the starting stalls, the Republican candidacy remains wide open while the Democrats are all trying to mount a challenge on clear favourite Hillary Clinton.

Don’t let me catch anyone sniggering — Hillary and I happen to share the same views on everything — well, at some point between the flip, where I may agree with her and the flop, where we may be at odds, there’s a meeting of minds, until she goes out of hers, in which case I wait for the picture to be adjusted.

Bill’s missus is t’rific. Ask Barack Obama, who appeared on Saturday Night Live. Barack was afforded the opportunity of doing his skit on Hillary where he gave a fine performance but, unfortunately, no cigar.

And he is by no means alone on this. John Edwards has been going after Hillary regarding her commitment to ending the war in Iraq. He challenged her to give troop withdrawal numbers and her timing on when she plans to withdraw them.

As I have stated previously on this blog, geo-political considerations preclude any president, regardless of his or her party, from implementing the changes that candidates are promising in the pre-election build-up.

This is not something the candidates don’t know; indeed they are acutely aware of the limited amount of elasticity in deciding on an exit strategy. That said, it makes political sense to come across as anti-war even if you know your hands are tied. You buck that trend at your peril, as the polls have shown time and time again.

In fact, if you listen to the candidates, who are all so eager to end the war or were actually against all along, you wonder how the United States ever got to Iraq in the first place. If my memory serves me right it was, in the main, overwhelmingly in favour of it prior to the invasion.

But I’m just being nasty.

As things stand, it’s hard to look past Hillary (could be the free drinks and food on the campaign trail) when it comes to the Democratic nomination for president of the United States. Hill’ is alive to the sound of music coming from the Oval Office where she plans to deal Bill a cruel blow (full cigar-revenge skit deleted).

Which means we can look forward to the following in her first State of the Union address:

“My fellow Americans, I speak to you this evening confident in the knowledge that we will soon be leaving Iraq … at some point, polls forbid I’m wrong about this, and bringing the boys home, unless I’m forced to send more over, in which case some might be coming home while more are going over. I couldn’t read the poll figures on which was more popular through all that cigar smoke, but rest assured that no matter what, I’m absolutely certain that we might be leaving Iraq, or not.”

The Republicans are more fortunate; they’re absolutely certain that they’re not yet sure who to vote for yet.

Rudy Giuliani, the former mayor of New York, and Senator John McCain appear the most likely lads, but it’s anything but clear-cut. The key question is whether Giuliani can carry the conservative right while continuing to be decidedly “leftist” about issues such as gay rights and pro-abortion.

He should try doing a Hillary: “I don’t know which anti-American terrorist tries to pass me off as pro-abortion but he best be ready to litigate for all he’s worth!! Damn it all, I’m pro-life, unless a woman feels the need to terminate, in which case she should have that choice but not go blabbing about it on the internet.”

Apparently he is not very well liked by the Guardian‘s American editor Michael Tomasky as appears from this hysterical, in every sense of the word, article from Washington.

Unfortunately due to age restrictions and geographical considerations, Tomasky was unable to place Giuliani as the third gunman on the grassy knowl or include him in OJ Simpson’s armed-robbery gang. Notwithstanding that, he pretty much qualifies for just about every other crime ever committed in America, according to the article.

What with that and my hatred for fence sitting in mind, I’m going for Clinton versus Giuliani in the race for the White House.

Before you race to your nearest bucket shop, remember I tipped South Africa to play France in the Rugby World Cup final. Betting on my tips is like listening to Michael Moore on anything — very entertaining, but highly misguided.