Mrs Traps cooking carries a hechsher from the International Atomic Energy Agency:
Our leftovers require disposal in accordance with the international regulations governing nuclear waste.
The IAEA at present has an entire division working on antidotes for anyone who comes into contact with her “Duck Surprise”.
“Surprise?” That duck dropped a turd when she shot him in the kitchen.
Seeing as Yom Tov is less than four weeks away, she decided to bring out a whole new dish which she created from scratch … which is what everyone who eats this little number will be doing … but I digress.
Yesterday she descended upon our kitchen and went into bat.
Shooing away the pygmy warriors who dipped their arrowheads in her stew, she turned on the oven and pondered her next creation …
Like any kosher home, we have 2 basins … the Zambezi River Basin and the Buffalo River Basin … where we scramble as soon as that woman goes into the frigging kitchen. We figure that at that distance we won’t experience any of the fallout from her latest creation.
You haven’t experienced her French toast, which she abandoned after the time she confused her recipe book with the youngest child’s school project on the Gettysburg Address.
Have you ever tried eating French toast made with four-score-and-seven frigging eggs?!! Your cholesterol is so high they measure it on the Richter scale, unless it’s raining, in which case they use the Duckworth-Lewis … Then she goes on about good cholesterol and bad cholesterol, while the doctor is recommending having the whole family put down …
Anyhow, having struggled to come up with an original dish, she decided to doctor one she found in the Aish.com recipe book.
It was styled “an eclectic menu for Yom Tov” — ”Iranian lamb stew”.
If anyone eats her version, the missus will be on her way to the eclectic chair.
Remember Lionel Ritchie’s song Stuck on You?
The leftovers were … we had to remove them with a blow torch.
She decided that seeing as Iran was developing a nuclear programme, that this dish should be “nuked” in the microwave in order to stay with the theme. I can tell you that anyone who eats this won’t have long to wait to find out if there is a 12th imam.
This is her version:
Mrs Traps’s Iranian Lamb Stew Nuclear Surprise
4 tablespoons olive oil or similarly coloured liquid
1 onion, chopped
4 cloves garlic
3 pounds lamb substitute (cheese, I think …),
Salt, pepper and antidote to taste
2 (10-ounce) packages of frozen spinach (put in freezer on ice-cream sticks)
2 tablespoons … cumin (somebody knocked while she was dictating this)
4 cups chicken broth
4 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
2 (19-ounce) cans white canellini beans, drained (optional)
In microwave until mixture unrecognisable … kills 12 to 16.
Eat and enjoy.