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Housebreaking: Our Biggest Fear

In a recent survey by the National Prosecuting Authority, it turned out that housebreaking was the crime that most people feared. The reason being that the chances are, you’ll be there when it happens.

They then looked at all sorts of things including deterrents which may bring this under control. What a load of crap! The way to stop housebreaking is to make your home less attractive to would be robbers.

Herewith TRAPS HOUSEBREAKING AVOIDANCE TIPS :

A. THE CORPSE METHOD

1. We’re digging up graves I’m afraid. Not old skeletons, they’ll never buy it, you need recently buried corpses. Nothing older than a couple of days. (2 or 3 corpses would be ideal)

2. If you are a home owner (rather than a flat dweller), purchase any large dog. (2 or 3 is better).

3. Upon returning from work, park your car….then the corpse in the driveway. Turn Fido et al loose (remember not to feed Fido and his pals). When robbers pass your house the sight of Fido feeding on the corpse should prove compelling….NB you’ll be digging up corpses 2 to 3 times a week – Kugels note : it will be great gym and a chance to spend more time with your personal trainer…. unfortunately if the cops catch you at it, it might just be the chance to spend more time….but I digress…

4. In order to assist robbers in their view that you may be homicidal, pop out once in a while and put a few bullets into the corpse.

4bis Caution : Beware of the fact that your dogs will become man-eaters and your home will look like a cemetery and smell like a morgue…..small price to pay when it comes to security.

On occasion your wife may be required to kill your dogs before taking the kids to school….

The cops may include your house in every murder investigation on their books : This is a plus people! Whose gonna break into your house while 30 cop cars are parked outside?

Of course after a month your house will look more like Jonestown Guyana after the mass suicide than Lower Houghton….that’s the time to SELL!

ADVERT!

Lower Houghton offers from R8 Million, no break-ins in 2 years….

They’ll be throwing money at you!

B. FULL PRIVATE SECURITY METHOD

1. You need the lot :

1.1 Moat
1.2 12 foot Wall
1.3 Electrified Fencing
1.4 Beams to sweep the top in case they cut the fence
1.5 6 Rotties drooling behind the “frontline”
1.6 Burglar bars on every window
1.7 Alarms on doors and windows
1.8 CCTV inside and outside
1.9 Guns for you, the wife and kiddies
1.10 Land mines (keep a map) throughout the garden.
1.11 Two guards to sweep (remember to give them the map)
1.12 Panic buttons to security company

That should keep them out for a few days.

2. NB if you forget to give your guards a copy of the map to the land mines you get the added benefit of a Quasi-Corpse deterrent. Your Rotties will….but I digress….

C. THABO’S 90 MILLION RAND WALL METHOD

1. Ideal for small holding, farms or other remote dwellings – do not try this in the suburbs or townships.

2. Erect a 75 foot wall.

That’s it – barring parachutes nobody’s coming to visit Casa del Pitch Black (if you think you’re getting any sunlight, sunshine you’re more troubled than I thought and should revert to the Corpse Method)

2b is if your electronic gate and other communications fail… you and the family could land up eating each other because nobody’s gonna find you. It’ll be like scenes from that crash in the Andes where the rugby players landed up feeding off each other.

This method is ideal for those who work in Government departments…

Author

  • Michael Trapido

    Mike Trapido is a criminal attorney and publicist having also worked as an editor and journalist. He was born in Johannesburg and attended HA Jack and Highlands North High Schools. He married Robyn in 1984 (Mrs Traps, aka "the government") and has three sons (who all look suspiciously like her ex-boss). He was a counsellor on the JCCI for a year around 1992. His passions include Derby County, Blue Bulls, Orlando Pirates, Proteas and Springboks. He takes Valium in order to cope with Bafana Bafana's results. Practice Michael Trapido Attorney (civil and criminal) 011 022 7332 Facebook