Tony Jackman

A bird in the hand is better than another Bush in the White House

The best thing Americans can do right now is to take Sarah Palin by the hand, lead her back up to Alaska and leave her there to frighten the moose population and send hairy lumberjacks running to their mommies screaming: “It’s horrible, it’s horrible! Heeeelp meeeee!” What possessed Republican candidate John McCain to choose Palin…

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A BMW driver comes out fighting after my alien roadhog slur

You have to read this and you’ll see why: BMW drivers are a malleable lot, it seems, and I’m almost warming to them. Barely a peep out of them after the go I had at them the other day. Except for one, whose post I enjoyed so much that I’m posting it more prominently to…

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Curse of the alien roadhog

I have argued with myself over this one for years, but the mountain of evidence is now way too vast to warrant any other conclusion: BMW drivers are aliens who simply do not understand our earthly behaviour. I know, I know, it is madness to think in such terms. It is hideously unfair; surely there…

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White is the new black; free the new black oppressed. Viva!

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m starting to like Allan Boesak again. I went off him around about the time that Elna went on him. Thing is, people like me need somebody to stand up for us, just as some of us (yes, whites!) spoke up for the oppressed back in the darkest…

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Joshing, noshing and swallowing in the subs room

When I became the 574 478th journalist in the world to receive a forwarded link by email from a sub-editor friend in the UK about columnist Giles Coren’s little spat with subs on the Times, I knew it had to be fucking good. And it is. The letter has more bleeps than a Who Wants to…

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The apostrophical catastrophe of being punctuationarily illiterate

Pity the poor apostrophe. Just when it thinks it can park off unnoticed in a quiet corner somewhere, along comes another berk who doesn’t know how to use one. And you know what apostrophical illiterates do for fun, don’t you? If they see an ‘s’, they fling one in. Before it, after it, it doesn’t…

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Coffee and croissants, cornflakes and tik

I experienced something very unsettling yesterday. Footsteps on the pavement behind me, a voice saying my name. I turned, recognised a face in that way in which you think, “I know you, but who are you?’ He reminded me, and I was instantly whisked back six years to the many months before I left Cape…

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Cometh the hour, will the man falleth flat on his face?

God love ‘em, the world could use more mavericks like Boris Johnson and Jacob Zuma. Keep your dull politicians, your people of note with their perfect pedigrees and coiffed scalps, honed in austere academies, planed and sanded at the finest finishing schools. Give us a world governed by floppy moptops, foot-in-the-mouth blunderers and sloppy dressers…

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How to make lottery world history (and get free beers)

I just love lotteries. What I especially love about them is that you don’t even have to enter them any more. You just win them! I won four only this morning. I won lotteries in Spain (again!), France (my third), Egypt and Norway. Even if I had won only three since waking up, I would…

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Bombin’ is the only way, a medley, by Jomb-Bomb McCain

John McCain was only joking when he mumble-sang “Bomb bomb Iran” to the Beach Boys’ Sixties hit Barbara Ann recently, says at least one of the scores of respondents in the US to my misguided plea for them not to vote dreary old John McCain into office this November. Of course he was only joking….

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