Spain recently played host to a most wonderful charity sporting initiative: two teams consisting of Spanish sport heroes and captained by Iker Casillas, the national football team goalie, and Rafa Nadal, tennis hero and kryptonite to Roger Federer’s Superman. The teams participated in a number of different events including karting, indoor football and the like to raise funds for the fight against malaria. Splendid fun was had by all and a decent bundle of cash made. It was even televised globally. All good then, right?
So I was thinking, wouldn’t it be lovely if we could do the same here in SA? I mean we do fancy ourselves a sports-mad nation right? Beer, braais and chasing leather-covered balls under the sun unite us like nothing else; well our fondness for risky sex notwithstanding. So how about a similar charity themed, fun filled sports bonanza with our favourite heroes. Except of course, this being SA, we could put our own spin on things.
So instead of clean-cut dour as a Parliamentary hearing on the Environmental Act family fest-athon, we could have “SA Bad Boys of Sports for Charity”. It is certainly not like we have a shortage of candidates for this either: James Small, Jabu Pule, Herschelle Gibbs, Lukas van Biljon, Solly Tybilika, Tso Vilakazi, OJ Mabizela, Ricky Januarie and the ever so appropriately named Naughty Mokoena, all spring to mind. And instead of anodyne dull “fun” activities, we could have contests that would make for gripping spectator spectacles.
Think drinking contests, bar fighting, bird pulling and all manner of general delinquency. Split the boys into two teams (with celebrity captains Joost and Amor?) with say, Hersch, Lukas and Solly on one team and OJ, James and Jabu on the other. Then the games commence.
We could, for example, start off with Hersch and OJ engaged in a heavy all night smoke-off session. Two men, one hotbox, 1kg of weed each and try to smoke the most weed in two hours and still have a blinder on the field the next day. Last man standing with a goal/50 to their name wins. For extra flavour they could each be allowed to add an ingredient that reflects their background.
Then for our resident toughies, James and Lukas, a bar fight challenge. And this would be very simple. For the assimilated “soutie” James, his task would be to rock up at a pub north of the Jukskei clad in traditional Western Cape garb, WP/Stormers jersey, tight white pants, big belt buckle and pointy shoes. Then walk up to the bar, order one of those drinks that come with an umbrella and start scurrilous rumours about Bulle icon Naas’s IQ. His target? Walking out with at least two limbs intact. Ditto Lukas, well not quite. His mission — a choice between two alternatives, first being making jokes about missing front teeth in a Bonteheuwel gang stronghold and escaping with his body and soul intact, or making gay jokes at a Sea Point bar in the early hours of a Sunday morning, while drunk out of his mind, and then make it home unmolested. All this while clad in a tight fitting Bulle/Lions jersey with ripped off sleeves and cowboy boots.
Next up — alleged ladies men, Solly and Tso. This one would be very simple: for Tso, pick up women above the legal age of consent, and Solly to go to a varsity orientation week booze-up for first-years and not speak or make any form of contact with a woman. The whole night. And for both to make it to practice the following Monday.
A second series could be even more fun. Move on to commentators — have Naas give an actual opinion without using any of the following words “erm, maybe, I don’t know, possibly, we should wait and see” and a Laduuuma commentator to string together one coherent sentence. We could time how long it takes Hugh Bladen to match randomly selected rugby players to their old schools. The possibilities should be fun. Imagine when we get to the administrators — no stupid comments for a week … sjoe!
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