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An open letter to Jawah Hassan — all the way from Dubai

Since I started blogging on http://silwanekanjila.amagama.com I have attached my email address ([email protected]) at the bottom of my blogs almost from day one.

It proved to be a master stroke because of all the excellent feedback I’ve received from some of my readers. Granted, some of the feedback is of the “your blogs are dog crap” variety but, hey, it’s feedback. And I welcome feedback, positive or not.

What I did not anticipate is the sheer volume of spam I receive on a daily basis. But the Gmail team has excellent spam-filtering software. God bless Google. And now and then I receive emails that just warm my heart. Please take note of the email below, which I received on Friday from a fellow named Jawah (or is that Jawad?) Hassan. I have cut-and-pasted it in its original form even though my spellchecker was going ballistic.

I have opted to respond to him in an open letter format in the intellectual tradition of that serial blogger at the Union Buildings. Let it not be said that Suresh Robert’s campaign to educate us all on the intellectual traditions of our president are not bearing fruit.

Jawah Hassan to me, August 24

Greetings.

As you read this, don’t feel sorry for me, because it is the destiny of everyman to die someday. I am Jawad Hassan a naturalised briton by birth and a business merchant based in the United Kingdom. I have been diagnosed with Esophageal cancer.It has defiled all forms of medical treatment, and right now I have only about a few months to live, according to medical experts. I regret that I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone (not even myself), but my trade. Though I am very well to do, I was never open handed; I was always hostile to people and regarded them like they never had hopes of becoming as successful as myself. Now I know that there is a lot more to life than just prosperity.

I believe that when I am given a second chance to come to this world, I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it. Now that death is eminent, I have willed and given most of my belonging to immediate and extended family members, as well as a few close friends. I want Allah to be merciful to me and accept my soul. Hence I have decided to support charity work; this is what i want to be remembered for. So far, I have been able to reach out to a few charity organizations in the singapore, Algeria and Malaysia. Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore.

I once asked members of my family to aid me in giving of alms to those organizations catering for the less privileged in Bulgaria and Pakistan; they refused and kept the resources to themselves. Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be contempt with what I have left for them.The last of my belonging which no one knows of, is the deposit of Four milion US dollars that I have in a safe keeping compnay abroad, which I will want you to secrue and bestow to charity organizations.Please endaevour to reply me . For your time and devotion, I have set aside a tenth of this for you.

Allah be with you.

Jawad Hassan.

Dear Jawad,

I hope that this letter finds you in good health. Oh wait, the “esophageal cancer” is wreaking havoc with your esophagus. This development must be quite difficult to swallow (Tee hee hee. Sorry, couldn’t resist that).

I am simply outraged to hear about the greed of your family with regards to the Bulgarian and Pakistani situations. The orphans must be quite distressed. May the wrath of the gods fall upon them. May their pubic hair grow as tough as a camel’s and curl back to attack their genitals.

I am definitely interested in your 10% of $4-million proposal and I wonder how we could formalise this relationship. The funds will be in safe hands with me since I am a wealthy individual in any case. I have recently had a spate of good fortune come my way.

In the past four months alone I have won a variety of lottery jackpots — from as far as the United Kingdom. The last jackpot I won (UK Lotteries Board Winner Ref: UK/9420X2/68!) was £1 000 000 — this is on top of the £37 450 000 I had won in the previous four months. And I hadn’t even purchased a ticket — I was simply “selected by a computer from our database”.

I also recently won the $3 000 000 jackpot from an online casino. All I did was log on to a human female anatomy website (I have a keen interest in surgery) and I got a pop-up telling me I was the 999 999th visitor, which qualified me for the prize. I think we can agree that this is an incredible run of luck.

As a result, it would be my pleasure -– no, my duty -– to give back to the less fortunate on your behalf. You giving me $4 000 000 would be a bit like Warren Buffet giving all that money to Bill Gates. Just the thought of it gives me goose bumps and a lump in my throat (no pun).

In fact, your timing is incredible. Last week I was in Oslo, Norway, to receive my Nobel Peace Prize retrospectively for writing We Are the World. Michael Jackson and Lionel Richie were both there. They were incredibly understanding about the whole situation. But after all, they know the truth deep inside their hearts.

Later, I was having a conversation with Bob Geldof, Santa Claus and the Dalai Lama about which one of the poor nations should be my focus. (Say, I could put in a word for you with the Dalai Lama, considering your impending demise. He is on top of that whole reincarnation situation, you know. Just drop me a note and let me know what or who you’d like to come back as. But be warned, Fred Mercury’s taken.)

As I type this I’m inside the presidential suite at The Sheraton in Dubai. Sheikh Mohammed is a personal friend. I must confess that my muscles are aching a tad. Last night I hosted Serena Williams and Beyoncé Knowles of Destiny’s Child fame. I’m ashamed to report that I gave in to my lust and allowed them to tag team me for four hours.

But, as you well know, life is short. I’m not sure how you wish to spend your last evening on earth but if you wish, I could organise Serena and Beyoncé. You would get along with them -– they are so giving. I could even throw in Shakira.

My banking details are:
Account holder: Ndumiso Ngcobo
Institution: National Bank of Dubai
Account number: 4-345-810-32435
Internet banking logon PIN: 666

You can either do an electronic transfer to my account or deliver the funds to me in cash. I am not sure if you need my internet banking logon PIN to do this transaction but I have included it just in case.

Farewell, my kind friend.

Regards,
Ndumiso

PS: I am not too certain who this Allah fellow is you say must be with me, but I haven’t seen him around here.

Oh, and Jawad; you’re an arsehole. And your grammar stinks.

Ndumiso Ngcobo is the author of the recently released book Some of my best friends are white. (Two Dogs, ISBN 978-1-92013-718-2)

http://www.atvelocity.co.za/catalog/go_product.php?ISBN=9781920137182&cid=struik

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