Mpho Maboi
Mpho Maboi

To therapy or not to therapy …

Lately I feel as though I am going through life angrily. I have no idea what the problem is, but I seem to snap and explode at the simplest of provocations. For the first time in my life I have even considered therapy. Thing is, I don’t believe in sitting in front of someone I don’t know and spilling my deepest, darkest secrets and thoughts. It’s kind of weird to me.

Then I read an article about how most women feel angry as they grow older because they feel that there’s too much pressure on them to achieve so much more than is expected of a man. Somehow we as women want to be such equals to men that we have put an immerse burden on ourselves. We want to over-achieve in the business world, but also be the best mom and wife. That’s a handful, if you ask me.

But the gripe is that we sometimes don’t know when to get rid of that corporate suit and poker face when we get home. We expect the best and such professionalism out of everyone around us that we have almost forgotten how to feel, let alone be women. That kind of describes me. My sister told me recently that she had never seen me cry, and this is a woman I have lived with for more than five years now. Don’t get me wrong; I do cry — I just do it in the comfort of my own space. I sort of believe that crying is a sign of weakness. Hence I never do it in public. I also have some issues with sharing my emotions. Now that I think about it, maybe I have way too much testosterone in me … I feel sorry for my future kids. LOL

Then I start thinking that maybe, just maybe, I’m angry at myself because there are certain things I had thought I would have achieved by this time in my life, and somehow I don’t seem to be getting there. I had told myself that by the time I’m 30, I would have done this, that and a third, but in a month’s time, I’ll be two years away from 30 and I’m feeling the time pinch. The tick of the corporate and the biological clock is getting ever so loud. It’s becoming harder to whistle it away blissfully. No husband, no kids! At times I feel as though I’m letting my parents down. I would like to have that white picket fence with the 2,5 kids, but unfortunately they just don’t fit into my life plans right now, or maybe I just haven’t found Mr Right (if such a thing exists), and Mr Right-Now fits perfectly with my plans at the moment.

Am I wrong for thinking this way at my age? Then again, I put so much pressure on myself that even if I were to achieve some of those things, I’d still expect more (I sound like a slave driver, even to myself). That’s beside the point, though. I really wish I could get to the bottom of my anger issues. It’s bad enough that the petrol price and inflation issues are turning everyone’s smiles upside down, but it’s also emotionally draining to walk around angry all the time. Maybe I should put aside my therapist issues and go lie on that coach after all. I might just come out of there feeling rather refreshed.