I had a horrible flashback yesterday of this terrible sociology course that I took while at university. The course material and lecturer were stimulating enough, and the course was focused on gender, so it was really right up my alley. However, each session my temperature and the acerbity of my tone would slowly rise as this inane hamhead of a (sorry chaps but he called himself this) man went on random rants about the various ills that women caused men. My favourite example (and least favourite experience) was a lecture we had that somehow was steered towards sex and the negotiation of sexual encounters.
The delightful conversation went like this:
Moron: Women use sex as a manipulative tool in their relationships with men.
Me (temperature tepid): Have you actually had sex? I mean other than with yourself.
Moron: Of course I’ve had sex. And there is nothing worse than when you’re in the mood and your woman won’t put out. She’s holding back on you, because she wants something or you’ve done something.
Me (temperature bathwater warm): Have you considered that she just actually does not want to have sex with you because you say things like that. In fact, because you actually have thoughts like that.
Another woman in the class, who I will sadly label “Sell Out” hereafter: Moron’s right you know. We do do that. We use sex and we only have it when we get our own way. I do hold back when I want him to do something.
Me (I must admit that my face is going quite red now, not from the heat of the day, but with infuriation): So you say no, so that he’ll do what you want?
Moron: I told you. All women only have sex when they think they can get something. You people never just have sex. You’re always after something, or to put me under pressure, or to hold back from me because you think it gives you power.
Me (sizzling with the desire to phone this giant chop’s parents and tell them that they are wasting money educating him): Unfortunately moron I must believe the following things based on what you’ve said. 1. You must never have sex because you are so painful to listen to that she’s probably already asleep before you’ve got your pants off. 2. Women do not hold back on sex to torture men and Sell Out, if they are involved in this sort of game playing then they should consider whether they actually want to have sex with that person in the first place.
At which point our lecturer, bless his blushing heart, ended the lecture being the only other male in the room and probably trying with all his might to avoid being drawn into this increasingly acidic interaction.
I was thinking about sex yesterday and how important a role it plays in most relationships. It plays a role in sustainability. It plays a role in happy hormones and sleep-filled nights. It is just generally a great way to spend your time. So I think that when people say no to sex, it’s important to think the following:
1. They probably are not playing some mind torturing game trying to withhold nookie from you so that your balls turn blue or breasts explode with the sheer force of your desire. They undoubtedly have a reason for not wanting to have sex.
2. This reason should be respected.
3. They mean no.
4. In case you are particularly dense and haven’t understood me thus far, they don’t want to have sex with you.
The amazing thing about this is that there is no “you people” and there most certainly for the love of eggs is no such thing as “your woman“. The sooner you realise this the better.
Perhaps if you start thinking this way there will be more women who do want to have sex with you. Then again, maybe not. It’s their choice after all.
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