Hansie Smit

Disturbing beach habits 2

Will the 85-year-old lady with the droopy breasts please cover up and you with the size 12 Caterpillars on, take them off. The beach is full of sand. Sand feels good between your toes. You won’t feel the sand with the Caterpillars on. Grass rugby fields is where they play touchies and if one more…

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Disturbing beach habits

Sex, volleyball, metal detecting — the beach lends itself to so much yet some human endeavours here defy logic. We’re already stripped down to our bare necessities — a deranged minority even prancing around in Speedos — is it really necessary to go the whole nine yards and disgrace humanity with outlandish behaviour? Ab crunches,…

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SA’s WikiLeaks

• The All Blacks were poisoned before the 95 World Cup final. • Carte Blanche’s theme song is pre-programmed to be louder than anything else on TV on Sunday nights. • Thabo Mbeki had a love affair with Robert Mugabe from 1999 to 2002. • The Parks Board planned to kill the alien goats roaming…

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It’s getting emoticon crazy out there

Last week I received no less than three yellow faces. Up from zero the week before. If Yellow Face Fever is sweeping the country, shoot me now. Nothing brings an email to its knees like a grinning yellow idiot at the bottom of it. I really can’t understand why grown-ups who sit in air conditioned…

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How not to network

I’m just sitting here cutting out business cards from this old Rice Krispies box. Last night was my first real networking experience at Cape Town’s One of Many & Only. Didn’t go too well. I pitched up at the event carrying a tent and a backpack; sweating profusely after a long walk from the waterfront’s…

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Why only Cape Town?

I think I speak for all Capetonians when I say wtf is up with tighter restrictions on the Mother City’s drinking time?! If you haven’t heard of this I suggest you put your mid-morning margarita down and give the following a read. The new by-laws stipulate that from January the new drinking hours for pubs,…

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Twitter movie cuts to core of nerd psyche

Hot on the heels of the movie about how Facebook started comes 140 characters or less — the movie about how Twitter started. This is only the second successful production in the social networking genre surpassing straight-to-DVD offerings You’re in MySpace and Dude, where’s my MXit. In keeping with the title, director David Fincher used…

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Charlie Sheen and Herschelle Gibbs walk into a bar

One is fresh from a two-hour book signing and the other just shagged three hookers senseless. Both need a drink. Barry Hilton is behind the bar. Gives them one look and pours five tequilas. When you’re Charlie Sheen and Herschelle Gibbs you don’t fuck around. When you’re Barry Hilton watching Charlie Sheen and Herschelle Gibbs…

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Sharks vs Province vs God

It’s 5.29pm, Saturday, October 30 2010. Willem de Waal indicates to his forwards he’s about to kick off when 600 000 locusts descend on Kings Park Stadium. They are of the big, green variety. The locusts blow in from the north and settle on the grandstand like a blanket. There’s mild panic amidst reassurance from the…

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The Hard Copper Gentlemen’s Club

I don’t think being rescued after nine weeks underground with 32 friends from work makes you a hero. I once spent an entire long weekend holed up in a beach house in Hermanus with 10 buddies and no one called us heroes when we got home. This is what men do — we try to…

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