Hansie Smit

Disco brings the rand back

I’m not a huge fan of ATM fees. My feeling is if banks insist on charging cover for access to money that was mine to begin with the least they can do is roll out the red carpet. Offer me the financial equivalent of getting kissed before I get screwed. It’s only appropriate considering the…

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The indomitable sex issue

I think we’ve all more or less figured out sex by now. If publications like Amper Twaalf, It’s Perfectly Normal and general sex education didn’t raise suspicion – late night e.tv movies and plain instinct would have led you to the inevitable conclusion that there is something going on down there. Why then do lifestyle…

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Have a break, have a DNS malware blackout

I’m really looking forward to the internet blackout forecast for this week. It’s not that I hate the internet – I quite like it as a matter of fact – it’s just that I think we can all do with a little time offline sleeping or sitting in the sun or whatever it is we…

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E-tolls: Walking is, well, the way forward

I sincerely hope Cosatu marches those e-toll gates back into the earth where they came from next week. I really do. If there is one protest specialist capable of pulling it off it’s Zwelinzima Vavi and his red army. But I don’t think they’ll succeed. Not even with two million people. Looking at the size…

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In pap we trust

I spent the last four months surrounded by tourists in the Transkei eating roughly 80kg of mielie pap at a rate of 1kg of pap per day. I ate the pap for breakfast. I ate the pap for lunch. I ate the pap for dinner. It was delicious. It was nutritious. I wouldn’t swop it…

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Top destinations for the discerning asylum seeker

Excellent accommodation and relative peace and quiet — these are the things that appeal to discerning asylum seekers when they consider South Africa. Sure, we have the odd protest from time to time but unlike screaming rebels our revellers mostly sing and dance and the majority of the violence is directed at rubbish bins —…

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Columnists Anonymous meeting this Friday

Columnists Anonymous will meet this Friday at 7pm in the Town Hall, downtown Jo’burg. Please remember to bring papers proving you were unfairly dismissed after merely speaking your mind on matters relating to race, religion or sexuality. An independent observer will go through the papers with you to see if maybe you’ve gone ‘too far’….

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What are these surfers talking about?

With the Jeffreys Bay Billabong Pro struggling this year in near-perfect weather I think it’s a good idea to explore the bizarre way these people talk to each other. As a Jeffreys Bay inhabitant myself I’ve had many conversations with surfers over the years and often walked away confused as to what the hell just…

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Michelle Obama visit: What to wear

Michelle Obama is in the country with her two daughters, Dolce & Gabbana, and their grandmother Yves saint Laurent. Hang on, that should be Malia and Sasha and their ouma Marian Robinson. Now see the mere fact that I made a mistake like that shows you with how much style the Obama ladies arrived on…

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But will Walmart sell boerewors?

I don’t know if I’m looking forward to shopping at Walmart. As a man I can shop for about 20 minutes max. After 20 minutes my heart rate goes up, my chest contracts and I start bumping into things praying to high heaven to keep me focused so I can get the hell out of…

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