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Top destinations for the discerning asylum seeker

Excellent accommodation and relative peace and quiet — these are the things that appeal to discerning asylum seekers when they consider South Africa. Sure, we have the odd protest from time to time but unlike screaming rebels our revellers mostly sing and dance and the majority of the violence is directed at rubbish bins — not your government. Asylum seekers in the know enjoy this welcome change of pace our country offers.

If Muammar Gaddafi chooses to take refuge elsewhere, well, that’s his loss. We have world-class facilities across the board.

For the asylum seeker on a shoestring it doesn’t get much better than the Formula One Hotel. I can’t imagine they’ll charge more than R150 per asylum seeker sharing and with most Formula One Hotels conveniently close to major highways you’re giving yourself a very good chance of seeking asylum elsewhere when the International Cricket Council International Criminal Court swoops in.

If you still have access to your bank account and you’re after something a little less industrial, why not try any one of a number of B&Bs available in the countryside? Your typical South African bed & breakfast has a braai and a small pool (it’s almost summer) and there may even be a bar where you must be careful not to discuss politics. Talking politics in a bar invariably leads to violence and before you know it you’ll be in the very same situation you’re fleeing from — albeit on a slightly smaller scale.

For the asylum seeker travelling with his family the only real option is to camp. Camping is a big deal in South Africa and something we enjoy doing when we just want to “get away from it all” much like yourself. We even have a magazine called Get Away. Get yourself a copy for the best spots to get away to. The Sossusvlei and Baviaanskloof both have excellent ablution facilities and are well outside cellphone reception although I think high-end military satellites might pick up movement. They make those things so damn strong these days.

For asylum seeking of the highest order may I recommend the Mount Nelson in Cape Town. Tall, white pillars as you drive through the front gate will remind any dictator of home and with a new army of servants at your beck and call all the troubles of late will simply melt away. Asylum seeking at the Mount Nelson is incredibly expensive though and not recommended if you’re seeking asylum from trivial things like genocide or religious persecution.

On the other end of the scale are the very well-maintained, very secure Donkin in Port Elizabeth and Stikland just outside Cape Town. Both offer basic facilities like electroshock therapy and straitjackets with Stikland boasting a 500 square metre lock-up ward for when you grow tired of people. An added bonus at these resorts is the team of trained psychologists who will speak to you to find out what’s the matter. Tell them about your tough childhood and all the beatings — you can even mention uncle Mahmood — just don’t expect to be the only one there feeling like you’re being followed.