I recently slipped up at a backpackers in Cape Town and greeted the guy behind reception with a friendly “howzit”. He gave me one look and asked me to leave. It’s no secret SA backpackers have a dirty habit of turning away locals. As a local I can’t afford mistakes like that. I’m living in a tent at the moment, missioning around on my motorbike so it’s important I blend in and make it past reception in these marijuana-friendly havens for the budget traveller. They have hammocks in the garden and condoms in the toilets — who wouldn’t want in?

So I’m growing my hair and talk under my breath when I book in. The preferred greet is a short “hi” or “hiya” if the situation requires. Under no circumstances do I sign in under my real name, Hansie. I go for a common alias like John Smith or pull a quick Donald Duck if it looks like they don’t check (everyone does this). I try to leave the vellies on the bike as long as possible and walk into the establishment drinking Pepsi. If they can’t help me straight away, I spend an inordinate amount of time looking through the brochures and admiring the local art on the wall. During the customary tour of the facilities I make a point of asking if those are the only plugs they have and whether they recycle. If I have to drink wine I go for something fancy instead of the usual Chateau Libertas. brandy and Coke is obviously off the menu. I never put vetkoek deeg in the fridge or start the day with Maltabella pap. At times I’ve made it look like I was having a royal struggle making fire and when the thing did get going I put some pork rashers on a stick and tried to fry them in the flames. If at all possible I try to pay with a R100 bill at least once and when I do, I treat it like it’s a R10 bill. I never wear Crocs. I never wear fleece tops.

At night I refrain from taking dumps in the garden and burning the furniture.

So far it’s been going well. Was just the one girl who looked at me suspiciously when I said “jissis” a little too loud. Not sure the method will work at Ashanti though. They’re very uptight there.

Author

  • Hansie Smit is a self-employed writer. He spends a lot of time in coffee shops tapping into free wi-fi making sure he buys a bran muffin every time to ease the inevitable guilt he feels getting something for free. Hansie received a Diploma in Copywriting from the prestigious AAA School of Advertising in Cape Town. He often picks up spelling mistakes in brand communication taking time out of his day to write to said brand to point it out. He does this free of charge. He's won a Silver Pendoring and almost won a Loerie. For more of his stunning insight and weighted opinion, visit his website at www.freehance.co.za or follow him on Twitter @freehance

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Hansie Smit

Hansie Smit is a self-employed writer. He spends a lot of time in coffee shops tapping into free wi-fi making sure he buys a bran muffin every time to ease the inevitable guilt he feels getting something...

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