Sex, volleyball, metal detecting — the beach lends itself to so much yet some human endeavours here defy logic. We’re already stripped down to our bare necessities — a deranged minority even prancing around in Speedos — is it really necessary to go the whole nine yards and disgrace humanity with outlandish behaviour?
Ab crunches, for instance.
Look, there’s nothing wrong with a few sit-ups in the morning when you hit that body beat boy in the privacy of your living room, but more than once I’ve witnessed a middle-aged metrosexual Caucasian male with hands on chest rhythmically crunching the life out of his bulging gut on a crowded beach. Have some respect. Has Virgin Active gone bankrupt? Will he bring some dumbbells next time? Health nuts like these fall in the same category as cyclist prawn who buy groceries in full spandex gear and should be banned from public spaces. Round them up and send them to Robben Island Active. And they say a healthy body is home to a healthy mind.
Then there’s the curious case of the defecating dog. Now it’s common knowledge that nothing gets a dog’s crazy juices flowing like the sound of crashing waves, but not everyone knows about the devastating effect this has on its bowel movements. Dogs literally lose their shit when they hit the beach. As soon as a canine gets a whiff of the ocean, it has to stop, concentrate and leave its mark — black on white. This is of course of little concern to dog owners who see the beach as a giant litter box. But dogs don’t bury and cats don’t do beaches so our diligent beach cleaners (heroes) have to deal with it. And naked children have to run around in it.
Which brings us to disturbing beach habit #3: Young parent’s persistent desire to turn any blue flag beach into a juvenile nudist colony. Babies — even young children two and up — are encouraged to strip down completely in order to fully enjoy the beach as innocent bystanders look on in horror. Come to think of it they don’t know where to look. I try to look away. I know we all did this as kids but had I had the presence of mind back then I would have insisted my mom tie a towel around my waste. Children should be seen clothed not hurtling on the sand with their junk out.
We’re all sharing the beach this Christmas so let’s try and keep the pollution to an absolute minimum. And don’t litter either.
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