• The All Blacks were poisoned before the 95 World Cup final.
• Carte Blanche’s theme song is pre-programmed to be louder than anything else on TV on Sunday nights.
• Thabo Mbeki had a love affair with Robert Mugabe from 1999 to 2002.
• The Parks Board planned to kill the alien goats roaming Table Mountain with anthrax.
• Bob Woolmer was killed because he knew too much.
• Hansie Cronje is still alive and working as assistant green keeper at Fancourt Golf Course.
• “Plan B” was very much a reality before the 2010 World Cup; Australia let us have it on condition we never report on their bestiality record.
• Pieter de Villiers lives on 5 000cm³ helium a day.
• Last year’s Idols was rigged by PricewaterhouseCoopers to fix an in-house bet.
• President Zuma lost half the Kruger National Park in a poker game in Moscow.
• Although he wouldn’t admit it, Gareth Cliff wants to be the next president of the country.
• Human polar bear Lewis Gordon Pugh wears a skin-coloured wetsuit.
• FW de Klerk bribed his way into the 1993 Nobel Peace Prize.
• Peppadews come from Malawi.
• Deputy President Motlanthe thinks Helen Zille is a “white housewife who belongs in the kitchen”, Helen Zille thinks Desmond Tutu is a “lazy old fart who retired way too early”, Desmond Tutu thinks the Parlotones’ songs all “sound the same” and Jackie Selebi thought the high court “laid it on thick”.
• Spur burger patties are 50% poached rhino meat.
• Riaan Cruywagen has been alive for two centuries.
• The Lotto has never actually paid out to anyone.
• Raymond Ackerman came up with the line, “Inspired by you” after he smoked a joint.
*This document is a shortened version of a 2 500 page monster that bored five journalists to death.
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