Thabo really needs a smoothie

I am worried our president is just not getting a proper breakfast. How else can you explain his, well, erratic behaviour these days? There may not be a crisis in Zimbabwe, but I think there is definitely one in the Tuynhuis kitchen. What on earth are they feeding the poor guy in the morning? Worse, is he skipping breakfast entirely?

In the words of that serial womaniser with a bad back, John F Kennedy, I ask not what my country can do for me, but what I can do for my country, and the answer is blindingly clear: Make the Pres a wholesome breakfast smoothie or at least get the word out to him on how to make one.

The alternative is desperate — a man under pressure with plummeting blood-sugar levels, energy starved and flatlined, trying to find his — and our — place in the world. Hand me that blender, quick.

I only discovered the joys of making smoothies a few months ago and quite by accident when, strolling into my nearest Dis-Chem, I was confronted with an offer from the gods of consumerism: buy a Braun electric toothbrush and get a free Braun hand blender worth much more than the toothbrush. I was at the till in a flash.

How good is this blender? We’re talking an Eskom-hungry 400 watts of power wrapped in precision German engineering, rubberised grip and a motor detachable from the cutting shaft with a deft wrist twist.

It is so damn good that I have a fistful of Morningside Mediclinic bills to show you how much damage it did to my thumb in mere microseconds, shredding the top of my No 1 digit all the way to the bone. I now proudly wear my disfigured thumb as an icon of my incredible smoothiness (like a Pollsmoor tattoo), and am prone to flaunt it as a conversation piece if I have had too much to drink.

So the first law of smoothie-making with a hand blender is this: Pay attention.

The second law of smoothie-making is seasonal integrity: Use only fresh, in-season fruit that hasn’t boarded an aeroplane or a Maersk container to get to you.

The third law of smoothies is that yoghurt is a numero uno emulsifier; it will whip those omega oils into shape and remove all traces of oiliness. Nothing else seems to work.

With these laws in mind, here’s the smoothie recipe I make most mornings and proffer as a humble gift to our hard-pressed Pres (there’s enough to share with Essop too, but frankly I think he’s beyond my help):

1) A small bowl of sliced seasonal fruit, like mango, berries, bananas, pineapple, paw-paw etc. I’m no fan of hard fruits or citrus in smoothies, but in winter our choices are not so great. Smart fellas also know that pineapple and papaya contain marvellous digestive enzymes.

2) A cup full of yoghurt, plain, preferably goat’s milk, preferably organic and definitely not fat-free.

3) A cup of Woolies’ organic rice milk. It’s pasteurised, I know, but I’m just too lazy to make my own. If you are drinking milk from your average non-organic cow (i.e. enhanced with hormones and anti-biotics), take a deep breath and go visit www.notmilk.com, the work of one Robert Cohen (no relation) with a Taliban-like hatred for the white stuff. I don’t think it will ever fully explain Clover’s bizarre attempt to try to turn Ferial Haffajee and Helen Suzman into pin-ups for milk, but it will likely convince you to never touch another glass of cow’s milk again (personally, I find it a bit extreme).

4) A dessert spoon of antioxidants. I use a blend made from strawberry, cherry, blackberry, plum, raspberry and blueberry with oat bran fibre. Or freeze-dried organic acai berry from the Amazon that’s claimed to be the most powerful antioxidant in nature (yes, even better then Goji). Antioxidants wage war on those cell-damaging, ageing, free radicals and, let’s face it, there’s no shortage of free radicals out there threatening our beloved Pres.

5) A tablespoon of omega oils (my blend contains organic flax, cranberry, pumpkin, sesame, sunflower, evening primrose) alternating with a high-quality cod-liver oil. No politician should be out on the streets without the protection of Omega-3s these days; The list of benefits from these good fats just keeps on growing, even doctors are taking the damn stuff.

6) A few grams of milled, organic flax seed to add back the protein and lignans lost in the oil pressing. Use a coffee-grinder to do this.

OK, watch your fingers. Now blend.

I use the smoothie as a chaser for a capsule or two of Co-Enzyme Q10, which is gaining a reputation for its anti-ageing properties, helping to convert energy inside the cells.

I think you’ll agree that’s a pretty potent smoothie package for a president on the run. I can’t guarantee it will help him distinguish between a crisis and a catastrophe, but it is certain to give him a can-do attitude and walk (a bit) taller. It does for me.

I’m looking forward to reading your recipes for the ultimate breakfast smoothie. I am especially keen to find a blend that might help JZ achieve glory — for himself, for all of us.