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Two kilos of tenderised Malema please!

With the country in a tizz after sizzling reactions to severe price hikes as “tenderised Malema” hit the newsstands, fictitious members of the ANC top-brass met at an emergency meeting on Monday to resolve the latest crisis in the party.

As news of government tenders enhancing the meagre salaries of government officials, their families, and their families’ families, appeared to have boosted newspaper record sales over the weekend, ANC leadership came to a set of binding resolutions in a bid to root out corruption in government.

In a dramatic shift the ANC released a statement early this morning saying that it is within the right of a senior cadre not to partake in government deals.

“Although we are adamant that it is the right of all in the ANC to amass wealth and secure a financial future after years of sacrifice in fighting against colonisation, imperialism, apartheid and then Thabo Mbeki and the SABC, we want to clarify that we will not penalise comrades who fail to take advantage of the opportunity to win tenders,” the statement read.

The statement added that the audit of state-owned enterprises, through the auspices of an external audit, would go ahead, and there would be a move to audit MPs and senior ANC cadres.

“But in the interests of democracy, and rights to the individual, we are vehemently opposed to publishing the results of this audit”

“It is like an HIV test,” the statement read.

“President Jacob Zuma agreed to be tested, but it is his constitutional right to keep his status private. The audit will be conducted for internal review only, and if infected, the necessary adjustments will be made.”

Responding to the Malema crisis, the statement only offered tacit support.

“With regards to Comrade Malema and his multiple business contracts, the ANC reiterates that the public needs to remember that Comrade Malema failed maths at school and his mother was a domestic worker.”

Responding to the statement, the DA said that nepotism was a feature of a healthy democracy.

“We appreciate that government tenders will naturally go to politicians’ families and friends, as they do in most democracies,” said the statement released on Monday morning.

“We understand the public outrage about the number of tenders Malema has procured, but we urge South Africans to re-visit Rudyard Kipling’s sketch about the Limpopo in The Elephant’s Child”.

“Limpopo has always been a troubled part of the country; Kipling’s description: the great grey-green, greasy Limpopo River, all set about with fever-trees, was really a symbol of things to come.”

“But don’t be alarmed, the DA is coming,” the statement concluded.

The ANCYL blasted the DA’s conjecture that Malema was the elephant’s child, but thanked the media for locating lost tender documents.

“The reference to Malema and the elephant’s child is racist, and we are disturbed that an imperialist like Kipling who did nothing but venerate Limpopo’s natural beauty would be raised in this quorum.”

“We usually do not like invasion of privacy but South Africa’s media is fast maturing. With the number of tenders we are busy with currently, it is very easy for a couple to slip off the radar. We didn’t even know we were also manufacturing parliament’s toilet paper,” the statement concluded.

Malema held a media conference on Monday afternoon, denied any wrong-doing and fuelled speculation that truth is often stranger than fiction.