The problem with female judges

Nobody believes Minister Radebe when he says the judiciary must transform to reflect the racial, gender and demographic reality of the country. Everybody thinks this is about making sure the ANC never has to go through another Zuma-Shaik fiasco.

But the ANC says this impending transformation is in fact about reflecting the racial, gender and demographic reality of our country. This means there will be black judges, female judges, young judges, differentially-abled judges, unionised judges, judges who are also BBBEE company directors, judges who are lactose intolerant and judges who are culturally allergic to curry and sorghum beer — just so that all the demographic groups in SA are represented.

Now there is no way we can frisk all the judges at the door for political party membership cards and other evidence that the judge in question has vested interests in looking after a specific party or ideology. So we will have to establish a register, like the members’ register in parliament, to enable the judges to declare everything that may conflict with or compromise their ability to deliver impartial and apolitical justice.

For instance if you were an acting high court judge in Durban who, in your younger days, was a member of a notorious gang that today controls Durban’s drug trade, then we want you to publicly declare that please and you will forgive us for not allowing you to hear drug or gang-related matters.

However, if we are to assume that black women were the single biggest victims of slavery, imperialism, colonialism, apartheid and the RDP-Gear-Asgisa bullshit; then it must be clear that more than 50% of the judiciary must be composed of black women. And naturally by black women I mean African, Middle-Eastern, Indian, Chinese, Malay, Asian, Central or South American and Aborigine women.

But the problem with women judges is this. When you as a man — who in South Africa must conform to the stereotype of being a complete bastard in all that you do and in particular in how you treat your squeezas, young ones, stekkies, luvas, cherries, girlfriends, fiancés and wives — are in front of a woman judge, how do you know that the sisterhood has not already passed sentence and condemned you to the worst fate possible?

I mean we all know that if you shag and then don’t call or give lavish gifts to a chick that within 24 hours every one of her “sisters” have blacklisted you, haven’t they? And let’s be honest about the men doing these shag-and-run missions, it is men with money, power and privilege, isn’t it? And don’t get ahead of yourself, this may be manifested equally by a guy who works in a factory and lives in a hostel or a guy who is a company director and lives in a mansion.

A man appearing before a woman judge is a dangerous thing — especially if you are accused of injuring the rights of a woman or of women. And so it goes that unless we can as men change the way we treat women, then going about this transformation process in the manner in which Minister Radebe suggests, that is in appointing a large contingent of women to the benches of South Africa, is likely to create more problems than solve.

As regards the other demographics, I think we are more likely to see a paternalistic and caring judicial approach to black appearants from white, guilt-ridden judges rather than from judgemental black judges who are out to prove that they don’t favour black people. And as regards the appointment of young people to the benches, we must consider the possibility that having a few Julius clones on the bench would certainly help reduce the number of juvenile offenders and awaiting-trial prisoners. Since these kids are already trained in weapon usage, conscripting them to the SANDF, SAPS and MetroPols will be no problem.

We must establish precedent so that if a person defames a politician, political party or a related and protected public figure then that person (who committed the defamation) must be jailed on Robben Island for 27 years to experience the pain and anguish of the liberation struggle so that they will understand in future that we have come so far but that there is more to do.

Naturally, as South Africa’s self-proclaimed political genius, people have been asking me what they should do to avoid getting slaughtered as part of the offering to the judicial transformation gods and I have replied at every turn … join the ANC, make significant donations to the party and its related cause, ingratiate yourself with those in power but never take sides. Make sure you have no loose ends in the no-strings-attached sex market, make sure your wife never finds out about your mistresses and above all, make sure you pay what you owe to those of my colleagues who are in the “organisation business”.

Then come rain or shine, come witchhunt or persecution, come transition or regime change, you will be saved and protected by the mass tide of the party — whether or not the judge you appear before is the sister of the woman who terminated your unplanned pregnancy last week.

A Luta Continua Comrades!!!