Charles Lee Mathews

ANC ends period of parliamentary pleasantness

    CAPE TOWN, South Africa

The African National Congress (ANC) today announced that the ruling party had ended its period of congeniality in SA’s parliamentary caucus. “We rolled out the red carpet to welcome the EFF and their ugly onesies to Parliament, but after they made the parliamentary caucus raucous, there will be no more Mr Nice Guy,” said Stone Sizani, ANC chief whip. “There will also be no more Mr Nice Mrs Parliamentary Speaker either,” he added.

Sizani said the ANC would introduce far-reaching measures aimed at restoring democracy, imminently. “The EFF and the DA have turned Parliament into a circus. They are making the South African government and the ANC the laughing stock of the world. The riotous opposition assembly that has become Parliament is threatening to destroy the very democratic core of this country, and the ANC will tolerate this no longer,” Sizani said.

Addressing members of the media in Parliament in Cape Town, the ruling party’s chief whip said top members of the ANC had consulted with the world’s most popular presidents about restoring order. “You’d never see this kind of nonsense happening in North Korea or Russia, never mind to our friends in China,” said Sizani.

“I’m going to be doing a lot more than a little whipping in Parliament when the next session begins,” Sizani said. The ANC chief whip offered details of the new parliamentary plan, which the ruling party dubbed MinOppMobPande which is ANC code for Operation Minimise Opposition Mob Pandemonium.

“The president can’t even appear in Parliament anymore. We’ve got to fix this. Now,” Sizani said. He explained that opposition benches would be carefully demarcated and fitted with electric wiring. “Basically we’re looking at a three strike system. The first strike is a mild shock. Opposition Members of Parliament will also be fitted with choke collars, while ANC MPs will be given paint ball guns. Let’s just say we’re waiting for Julius to come back to Parliament.” Sizani chuckled.

Cool-off rooms will be established in the form of sound-proof booths that will be dotted around the parliamentary floor. “Opposition members will be forced to listen to Lucas Mangope’s heyday speeches which will alternate with Steve Hofmeyr’s early hits. If opposition Members of Parliament show that they are still democratic illiterates, Baleka Mbete-Kgositsile will affect the Yengeni.”

Sizani explained that the “Yengeni” was an evacuation of the problematic politician from Parliament via a trapdoor which leads to a caged enclosure of crocodiles. “And by this we don’t mean crocodile shoes. But I tell you now if that Madam Zille and her bothersome bosom brother Malema don’t toe the line, they’ll be crying crocodile tears,” the ANC chief whip chortled.

* With additional reporting by Jon Pienaar.

– Sideswipe, South Africa’s finest news source.

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

  • Combine the Chapter 9s? How about some time?
  • Why cartoons are linked to human freedom
  • The Ntokozo Qwabe Ashleigh Schultz affair: Notes for a screenplay
  • Out of control: South Africa’s obsession with authority
    • The Moxster

      :-)

    • Cameron

      I am also pleased that you have so fairly and timeously reported on the proactive measures that the ruling party is taking to restore ‘democracy’ to the point they require.

    • sbusiso dimba

      The ANC must decisively deal with this rascal conduct by the opposition. They do not have the interest of this country at heart. Their conduct is counter revolutionary, there is nothing radical or revolutionary about these political molecules!

    • Policat

      Maybe we should at taxpayers’ expense (money well spent for a change) send all the politicians to a deserted island and supply them with enough food and water and one soap box for three years. The rest of the country can then get on with creating “a better life for all” without their meddling. Won’t be necessary to fetch them after the three years has passed I’ll bet.
      Politicians by the pure nature of their work should be well supervised.

    • Floyd ShivasBlue

      When No.1 comes to parliament again, we will hand him some more pandemoniums.
      We are free radicals, and we will not be Yengenied. Not by the ANC, who are making this country a dictation, and not by the DA Main Man Musi.
      Asicheeky!!
      (fyi – i typed this all with my middle finger)

    • bernpm

      “…ANC ends period of parliamentary pleasantness……”

      The ANC, spearheaded by their speaker, started this “pleasantness” by driving the opposition parties together in one corner.

      I do support Policat’s suggestion except the food and water supply. They should learn how to look after themselves in difficult conditions as the poor in SA have to do.

    • Sterling Ferguson (@Louisth161)

      The problem with SA the voters have no voice in choosing who represented them in parliament.

    • Rory Short

      The anti-democratic behaviour actually originates with the Zuma ANC’s complete disregard for public institutions like the public protector and their efforts to dismiss her findings about Nkandhla. And their subsequent efforts to subvert parliamentary processes to maintain a facade of legitimacy over their white wash of Nkandhla. That is where the anti-democratic rot starts. Unfortunately that behaviour has led to the opposition’s mis-behaviour which has given the ANC a glorious opportunity to try and deflect public attention away from its own failings.