Charles Lee Mathews

Steve Hofmeyr – SA’s first man without a brain

Neuroscientists at Groote Schuur, Cape Town’s premier academic hospital, today admitted that they were baffled about how alleged author, singer and self-styled Afrikaner saviour Steve Hofmeyr had existed for more than 50 years without a brain. Hofmeyr was airlifted to the pioneering medical centre – the scene of the world’s first heart transplant – after tweeting: “Sorry to offend but in my books Blacks were the architects of apartheid. Go figure.

“Frankly, we were concerned for his safety. The psychiatric and medical staff here agreed unanimously that it was impossible for anyone to be quite that stupid, and so we had him medically boarded for his own good,” said the hospital’s chief psychiatrist, Dr Freudian Slurp. On arrival at Groote Schuur, Hofmeyr was rushed to the radiology department where his brain was scanned using magnetic resonance imaging and magnetic resonance spectroscopy.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Dr Fatus Cranius. “The scans showed the chamber but it was completely empty. It is unlike anything we’ve ever seen before,” he added. “What’s remarkable is that Mr Hofmeyr is able to lead a relatively functional life. He can eat and sleep and clearly warbles a tune, but sadly nothing he says will ever make sense.”

The reason for the disappearing brain? “We surmise that Hofmeyr was born with some kind of neural matter, but he has a unique anomaly in that part of his digestive system is intricately connected by a small tube that runs along his spinal cord to his brainstem. It appears that hot air from his digestive tract was being forced into his head and started pushing his neural matter back into his stomach, where it was obviously digested and exited via his bowels without his being aware of this,” Cranius explains. “Basically, the hot air filled up his cranium over time and, as the pressure built, started escaping out of his mouth, mimicking speech. This is why he is still able to approximate singing and speech,” the neurospecialist said.

The neurology department of Groote Schuur have dubbed this unique phenomenon “The Steve Hofmeyr Effect”. “We’d like to pay tribute to Mr Hofmeyr, who has enabled this medical discovery,” Cranius told members of the media at a press conference held at the hospital on Sunday October 26 2014.

When asked whether a brain transplant was scheduled for Hofmeyr, Groote Schuur’s surgical experts ruled this out. They said Hofmeyr was functioning “after a fashion” and presented no harm to himself or society, as long as “people don’t take anything Hofmeyr says seriously”. – Sideswipe, South Africa’s finest news source

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    • Nkululeko Ngwenya

      Funny thing (or not) is how some people would agree with him. Going from “forget about the past” to you made the past!

    • http://to-muse-and-abuse.blogspot.com Matthew de Klerk

      As a fellow writer of satire, I can’t tell you how much this made my day :)

    • Peter Lawton

      It’s great that this phenomenon has been examined and shown to the world by Groote Schuur staff; just goes to show: there are some brains still active in South Africa.

    • http://www.fluence.co.za Arthur Charles Van Wyk

      There are very few instances in which one would want to kiss a journalist full on the mouth with no motive.. no agenda.. just gratitude galore. This is one of those instances. I have suspected this for a long time and I just sighed when I read this piece, because now I KNOW that I’m not alone.

    • lira

      Besides the article being hillarious…it is written with wit!…it enticed me to look at more of your articles! nice ooonnee!

    • cyberdog

      SA’s first man without a brain: Now that is disputable! Not so much the brain part, just that he really is not the first.

    • Deeds’

      Hahahahaha! This explains quite a lot. We sincerely appreciate and welcome the heads up by Groote Schuur’s surgical experts. Not that we’ve taken him seriously, our “brains” found it increasingly difficult to fathom anything that came out of his mouth.

    • Chez

      hahahahahahahahah!!!! Now we all know that this is going to cause a massive outcry from the Steve fans (yes; sadly, he does actually have fans) but I think it’s the best article I’ve read about Steve in ages. Very well done!
      Oh, and I case anyone thinks I must be an offended black person – no; I am a white middle aged part Afrikaner woman.

    • Baron Blue

      Lady, Steve Hofmeyer is not a stupid man. Go to his shows and listen to what he has to say. Farmers are killed at one of the highest rates per capita in the world. No he is not a liberal. What he has to say is the truth and it does not conform to what the liberal media would like us to believe.

      Names and events of people killed are kept record of and the figures are disturbing. More people are killed in the new transformed South Africa than in war torn Iraq.

      He speaks out against corruptions. incompetence, malpractice of government. If you do yourself a favour to actually speak to the man, you will find he has more brains than you.

    • http://ThoughtLeader Patrick

      Excellent!!!!

    • http://riverstill.co.za Jacques

      Dear Baron Blue… It is most obvious that the good doctors at Groote Schuur will also find just hot air in your cranium… more people killed in SA than in war torn Iraq? At least you are funny!

    • Sherbrooke

      If Hofmeyer is trying to market himself to sell records, he’s not doing a very good job.

    • Leen

      Well said Baron Blue!

    • Dirk Jacobs

      Funny stuff. Yet I still want to see the ‘real stats’. Every journalist in SA has deliberated, often deliberately, on the madness of the Hofmeyers and Bridges, yet all the credible statisticians in SA also point to inaccurate crime statistics. Hence the +- 16k murders per annum given by the police in their annual report may be less than the actual number. And then, to the readers of this blog, is 16k murders/year an acceptable number in SA? I guess if the answer is no, then Steve do have a brain, a small one, no doubt, but yet an actual brain

    • Liesl

      Bwah hah hah hah! This made my day! Thank you! Complete airhead comment by airhead Hofmeyer – beautifully satired.

      There is a competition on the go – first prize is one Steve Hofmeyer CD, second prize is two Hofmeyer CDs, third prize is the full collection of all his tripe.

    • Ayanda

      I feel sorry for people who have nostalgia for apartheid. The world is falling apart; corruption, gruesome crimes and violence are everywhere. As long as people spread hate, thousands go to bed hungry and people would rather point fingers than be part of the solution; this cycle will continue. I’ve seen people from every race do unspeakable things, I’ve seen people from every race do extraordinary things. Can we get past the race thing and realize that it is no longer a race issue but a social issue; we need to deal with in this country. People like Julius Malema and Steve Hofmeyr are really slowing us down. Everyone is affected by crime, Steve Hofmeyr and his fandom need to stop trying to act special. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow, carpe diem folks. LIve, laugh, love.

    • Dries

      Hah! I really do miss Hayibo!

    • Ubuhlebezulu

      This was the perfect response to Stevey’s madness. Thank you for making my day :)

    • paula

      So funny. This made my day.

    • The Praetor

      I always thought he was a bit strange!

      The Praetor

    • Kevin

      Hi Baron Blue

      Steve Hofmeyr should have listened at high school then he would know that blacks are not the architects of Apartheid . Verwoed was the Architect of Apartheid.

      Maybe he needs to go back to school ?

    • Koos Kombuis

      Very entertaining article!
      And, Ayanda, you may have noticed that your “Carpe Diem” comment, which I cut and pasted on Facebook (with credit to you) has gone viral, also on Twitter!

    • Gary Smith

      Thanks for the chuckle!

    • https://jomawrite.wordpress.com/ Mandy de Waal (ZA)

      Thank you all for welcoming me back to ThoughtLeader. It’s been a while, so I’m jugely encouraged by your kindness.

      Ayanda… you’re a sage, bru!

      Baron Blue – Perhaps you’ve stumbled into the wrong place? So if you head back onto the cyber highway and hit an incredibly sharp right you’ll get to Praag …

    • Eben

      Mandy, you’ll never know how this article restored my faith in humanity. Since I have read the first article about Steve’s “regurgetation”, I have been searching frantically to find a broader context for his comment. Surely that couldn’t have been it – just that blurt. Unfortunately I couldn’t find anything to clarify the matter; much more unfortunately, I have had to read through quite a few comments from my fellow Afrikaners. It truly saddens me to realise how many fans he actually has; and the complete and utter bs spewing from their mouths – actually condoning and praising this blabber. You have cleared this up excellently. I now, unfortunately, have a nightmarish social obstacle ahead of me – I now classify every Afrikaner as suffering from the Steve Hofmeyr-effect until proven otherwise. I back Ayanda for president and truly wish for more of that mentality. Just to be clear, I am in my forties, so I grew up in the Apartheid era, but I am embarrassed by that part of my Afrikaner history. Why wasn’t all potential public figures and especially presidents and law-makers screened by Grootte Schuur before being allowed into office?

    • Charlene

      Baron Blue, I could not agree more with you!

    • cyberdog

      @Eben: “Why wasn’t all potential public figures and especially presidents and law-makers screened by Grootte Schuur before being allowed into office?”

      That is very simple to answer, then the government offices would be completely empty today.

    • Margaret Logan

      No brains, but busy balls, etc. So they say.

    • SJ Botha

      Vilify him as much as you want, but remember it the day your family member is murdered, after being raped and abused racially.

    • Mr. Direct

      Play the ball, not the player.

      Despite what I think about Hofmeyr, or his batshit crazy comment, this article has not really added anything to the racial debate.

      My opinion is that the individual races in this country do no respect one another. I am not sure articles ridiculing people in the racial debate actually help resolve this.

      Now we will be known as the air brained, evil, racist, white man.