Jason Esch
Jason Esch

Copyright notice

The only thing more embarrassing than catching a guy on the plane looking at pornography on his computer is seeing a guy on the plane reading The Hunger Games. Or a Twilight book. Or Harry Potter. – Joel Stein

This book is sold subject to the condition that it not be lent, resold, hired out, circulated, distributed, apportioned, meted out, allotted, gifted because she has a cat and likes crosswords, given to the public library because you thought that’s where old books go to die, used as a vintage fashion accessory, used to convince others that you know that “God is dead” doesn’t mean “God is dead”, used to convince others that you are literate and Literate, used to lure nerds into bed, purchased for yourself under the pretense of peaking the waning interest of your young adult, purchased because the movie starred Keira Knightley, purchased because the book cover has a picture of Keira Knightley, purchased because you figured out how to pronounce the author’s name in Japanese, purchased because owning it will prevent anyone from asking if you’ve actually read it, purchased because your vegetarian friends dropped the title in a conversation that left you confused, slightly scared of pigs and a little nauseous, purchased because one semester of Spanish gives you the right to say “it loses something in translation”, purchased because even after selling two billion copies it’s still a secret, purchased because India’s still suffering the effects of colonialism and Her Majesty is feeling a little guilty, purchased because books will be worth millions one day, purchased because everyone read the trilogy after the movie but only connoisseurs suffer through indecipherable scraps published posthumously, purchased because paper is retro, purchased because the den is also red, purchased because oh-my-god it’s as big as your coffee table, purchased because the book cover designer made it look like a VHS tape, purchased because you thought it actually was a VHS tape and that they stopped making these, purchased because even though it’s Manga, it’s still Shakespeare, purchased because it was R5 and who doesn’t want to know how to cook Vietnamese with chicken carcass and bicarb in a dugout, purchased because the book-to-frame ratio in your bookcase is 3:1, purchased because the first chapter was intriguing and if you weren’t killing time until the movie started, you would have read the whole thing then and there, purchased because the picture on the cover made you think it really was about farm animals, purchased because you thought Satan did actually write a bible and you want to hear both sides, purchased because you already have the line-drawing T-shirt of the author’s face and purchased for any other reason than to read a book, without the prior consent of the publisher.

Published by Judge Jeffreys Group 2012

Copyright © Sanctulus 2012

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    • Stephen Browne


    • Tirelo Mabetoa

      Jason Esch,you’re an odd fish.

      I’m saving all your columns for when my daughter can read and comprehend them.

    • MLH

      Sometimes, Jason, I wonder whether your posts could be group efforts…twenty of you brainstorming around the boardroom table. And if that makes you feel insulted, don’t let it; how one person’s mind can flit so quickly from one idea to the next amazes me. But then, perhaps you takes some time crafting your pieces. Terrific!

    • NATE IV


    • http://www.homecomingrevulsion.com Guinnessholic

      My daughter nagged me endlessly to read The Hunger Games. I said I would if she cleaned her room, secure in the knowledge that it has resembled an old air-raid shelter for over a year.

      I start reading the damn thing tonight, but I won’t be telling anyone.