Azad Essa
Azad Essa

Was Terror’Blanche a Muslim?

As racial tensions continue to rise over the murder of Eugene Terre’Blanche, and renewed concerns about the ability of black people to host thousands of visiting white people for the WC in June flourish, the South African Muslim and Halaal Authority (SAMHA), report that they have been inundated by calls from foreigners asking “if it was true that Terror’Blanche was Muslim”.

Speaking at a press conference on Easter Monday, SAMHA spokesperson Abu Is’a Vanker said that the organisation was initially surprised to have been inundated by the queries over the weekend but realised it was a rare opportunity to hit the mainstream.

“It is surprising, to be honest, but you know what they say, “all publicity is good publicity,” Vanker chuckled.

Vanker explained that the organisation was a non-partisan organisation only in the business of certifying food and drink, and did not carry a conversion register.

“We are only interested in how animals are slaughtered on farms, and if they follow the Islamic procedure,” said Vanker.

Vanker explained that SAMHA was obviously thrilled that so many foreigners were visibly interested in the religion at a time when the country was at the precipice of a civil war.

But industry insiders say that where SAMHA is concerned, there’s more than what meats the eye. Sauces say that top Muslim businesses, currently on excellent terms with the ANC, will suffer dramatic losses if rumours of playing for both sides surface.

“There is talk about minorities working behind our back in the meat industry,” said one ANC member who refused to be maimed.

It was a topic that dominated the otherwise buoyant mood at the press conference, as top-notch and well-paid journalists from some of the Muslim community’s Durban-based investigative publications dug into SAMHA’s business relationship with Terre’Blanche.

But Vanker refuted all claims of an existing business liason.

“Mr Terre’Blanche did approach us as a potential supplier, assuring us that one of his slaves-err-labourers was a practising Muslim, but we did not reach any agreement,” said Vanker

He explained that SAMHA were not happy with the working environment they witnessed during their inspection.

When asked if conditions of employment for Terre’Blanche’s labourers had put them off dealing with Terre’Blanche, Vanker said it was nothing of the sort.

“We just saw a p-i-g in the neighbouring farm and decided against it,” spelt Vanker.

But a leading Islamic scholar, a professor at the University of the Rudwa Islamic Business School (RIB), an all-girls finishing school based in Durban, argued that the inference that Terre’Blanche was Muslim based on appearance was unfair.

“Look, just because he had a long beard, treated workers badly and attacked the world trade centre doesn’t mean he was Muslim,” said Professor Ridwana Omarjee.

“This is a type of tacit Islamophobia and a direct attempt by white liberals to pass off one more white supremacist as yet another Jew-hating Muslim fantasy,” she added.

“When is the CIA going to take responsibility for creating this monster?” she asked.

Omarjee said that speculation that Terre’Blanche was Muslim would create further polarisation within the already vulnerable Muslim community.

“As it is we have this ‘terrorist’ cloud hanging over us, but to be labeled as right wing just because a couple of Malays speak Afrikaans, would be just too much,” she added.

Omarjee said that the local Muslim community was already at war over the permissibility of eating Rainbow chicken and requested the media to be responsible when reporting on other livestock.

“The media needs to be responsible. We don’t need any more ambiguity.”

“Besides, my husband loves his meat,” she blushed.

Commenting on the possible connection between Malema’s “kill the boers” song and the murder of the biggest-boer-of-them-all-Terre’Blanche, esteemed Muslim Cleric Mufti Adam al Jamali from East London, said that all music ought to be banned anyway.

“Look, whether it is instruments or beat boxing, all such manipulations of sound effects are categorically haraam and must be condemned,” he argued.

“What does shaytaani Beyon-che mean when she sings, ” ‘all the single ladies, all the single ladies’?” he gesticulates.

“Treating workers badly is one thing. But music encourages homosexuality as well,” he reasoned.

On whether Terre’Blanche was Muslim, Mufti al Jamali said that even an autopsy couldn’t prove a thing.

“Even an autopsy wouldn’t indicate if he is Deobandhi, Salafi, Sufi… it would kill our morale if we were to somehow find out he was a Shi’ite,” he said.

“It might be also insensitive to do such a thing at this point,” he added.

The Mufti also said that it was not the policy of the local Muslims to alienate any group in business, but it would be disingenuous to mess with the ruling party.

“I honestly doubt that the local Muslim community would dare have such strong links with Terre’Blanche,” he added.

A small delegation of Muslim clerics and prominent businesspeople met the ANC early on Tuesday morning to clarify the situation.

  • haiwa tigere

    My husband loves his meat , an autopsy could not prove ET was a muslim Ha 3 times.

    Simply the funniest thing I have read in the last hour.(been asleep you see!

  • http://www.yusufk.za.net Yusuf

    err, wt?

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  • Stephen Browne

    Just send that chicken my way if its not fit for human consumption. I’m a dog, of course.

  • MsAnnThrope

    “shaytaani Beyon-che ” Bloody brilliant man. I’m going to have nightmares about my muslim neighbour complaining about my evil music…

  • http://hardtalk Siphiwo Siphiwo

    April Fools’ Day was on Thursday, 01 April.

  • http://www.bilalsblog.blogspot.com Bilal

    Made me chuckle, but might get you a fatwa on your head!

  • Mohammed Ziyaad

    This does not really qualify as tongue-in-cheek.

    It is essentially pulling your pants down and mooning…

    Mooning with both hands raised …

    Both hands raised while flipping the bird…

    Flipping the bird…

    Like it hasn’t been flipped before.

    I enjoyed the humour and wit of the article and all.

    But a few more like these, and there is bound to a condemnation from the self-proclaimed ‘authority’ of the Muslim community about the halaality of your writings.

    An important element is that we can at least show South Africans, and the World that Muslims can laugh, at itself. And that like any community we have problems. And funny characters in ‘positions of authority’. Even when this so-called authority is self-proclaimed

    Another important aspect that is reflected by such articles is that younger generations identify these problems within the Muslim community.

    I personally think it is important to bring this discourse into the public domain so that awareness is made about the roles and types of people in our society. Not just the Muslim community.

    After all, Eugene and Julius are hilarious as factual characters.

  • http://karim.co.za/blog/ Muhammad Karim

    Dammit Azad, I was laughing so much I had to remind myself to breathe. I can’t count how much dirty laundry was just hung out to dry.

  • Judith

    Great fun and great laughter! Thank you!

  • Sir Issac Newton

    If these matters are not considered with the gravity they deserve, the next time you take a bite out of a yummy grilled chicken burger or tikka you might get struck down by lightening! After all, what is the law of gravity and the golden rule as well? What goes up must come down and what goes around, comes around.

  • Moshe

    Halal means you treat your employees fairly, give fair wages and don’t discriminate in any way. It means that if you were a lousy husband, you at least pay child support and alimony and not hoard the proceeds of your halal enterprise, to purchase houses, and lavish expensive things when you haven’t even asked what your own son has been provided for that day. If you do that, not only will you prosper and be blessed but you will also never live in fear for your life.

  • Shehnaaz Peer

    Almost fell off my chair, lol’ing! Good piece Azad.

  • http://shafinaaz.com shafinaaz

    I echo sentiments of MZH and Mak; Bilal, not sure of Fatwa but its a pity about the lynching, hey Azad! :) More than the chuckles, lets hear some daring to unpick the nits and lice that this article reveals… Great satire to be able to reveal oh so many ills in one go.

  • http://thoughtleader.co.za/rodmackenzie Rod MacKenzie

    Glad to see we are on a similar wavelength and all, Azad! Liked your comment on my post…

  • Uzayrsa

    Super good dude .. really enjoyed the laugh :-)

  • Mymoena Arnold

    it really does not matter to me who says what against you azad for writing such a tongue-in-cheek article cos i feel its a writing style long overdue on the Muslim journo front … and all those hometruths bless you my gifted brother from anther mother 😛 …

  • Lubna

    dude….how does one test for being a shi’ite….err….its not what i’m thinking is it?….lol….

  • abu kad

    hahahaha i believe my input was already given.. but great literature apart from the sesitive stuff :)

  • Islamowe

    You should write such articles more often!!

  • Vashna Jagarnath

    This was incredibly witty as usual

  • Marianne

    well now we have heard it all. Thank you. hahahahaha

  • feanor

    Good article!

  • Deane

    Awesome!

  • MuAfrika

    Terror’ branch was a true Christian, ignorance, swastika and all!

  • Naseema

    I can imagine this turning into a sketch and comedian Omid Djalili playing the part of Mufti al Jamali!! :)))) that would be awesome!!

  • Dithabana

    ehehehehehehehe!
    This is a killer “Treating workers badly is one thing. But music encourages homosexuality as well,”

    I love it.

  • Shaakera

    Oh my word! I went through the entire article not realising that is was purely satirical.
    It’s sad, so sad, the day where the truth cant be told from humour..

  • Steve

    Theres a specific day for writing articles like this – the 1st of April. One week late is just annoying

  • http://www.richmarksentinel.co.za Mandrake

    Excellent piece mate. Breath of fresh air after all the Vuvuzelas and Ox-wagon squeeks

  • Bonginkosi

    Far out, Azad, far out!!! Heeeeeeeehehehehehehe!

  • Sha

    This is awesome! I don’t know what was funnier, the “Look, just because he had a long beard, treated workers badly and attacked the world trade centre doesn’t mean he was Muslim,” or the argument over the permissibility of eating Rainbow Chicken. Either way, this is the funniest bit of satire I have read in ages. Keep it rolling.

  • zi karon

    Funny!!!

  • avish

    i see that in the wake of the advent of the clean and marble tiled halaal butchery, as a sociological construct in aid of coping with the absence of mothers in law; that in the wake of the appearance of trays of marinated “ready to cook” pieces of meat as economic constructs to explain the wives’ salaries which are deducted “through the business”, and that in the wake of the determination by the muslim community to establish their own schools other than anjuman, lockhat islamia and orient… that it has become evidently fashionable in an odd sense to make fun of the apparent conservativeness of islam, of the supposed hypocrisy of islam and muslims, and of the daring belligerence of those who choose chicken tikka over kfc… but not it seems of the skills required to pre-prepare pastries for ramadaan… one wonders Mr Essa, when he who will come to reunite the ummah, when he who will come to enlighten the hypocrites, whose hearts are closed, when he who will come to liberate the true believers from the hellfire of the iblis… when he who will come, does come… what do u think he will say about this sort of fashionable humour… i wonder… cos there is no way, not in a million years that ET was in any way fit to even be the most unislamic muslim, the most unfit beneficiary of the divine light of the rassool… after all thats why ET died when he did… and how…

  • MLH

    The first light relief since Saturday pm and well overdue.

    We should laugh at ourselves more often. What idiots we all breed, what fools we are. It’s ironic that it took a Muslim to make me see how much we are all alike.

    Thank you. This piece was a service to the nation!

  • Gersie Dee

    Just curious as to what ET’s muslim name would be, Ebrahim Terreblanche? anyone? lol

  • Shehnaz

    Azad
    Brilliantly composed! Had me in stitches…
    I loved Abu Is’a Vanker’s p-i-g!…haha!!!
    Mufti Omid Djalili :) Now there’s a thought worth exploring!

  • http://www.thoughtleader.co.za/azadessa Azad Essa

    @Avish Are you a pastor?

    Thank You @MZH Brilliant and important comment. Sames goes to @Shafinaaz. No one is daring to pick out the details and run with it. Yes, too many Muslims found this just funny #FAIL

  • Confused Whitey

    Azad you have been very naughty.
    Beware that Al Qaeda the Taliban or some other evil cult dont get hold of you.
    It will certainly be a lot worse than Guantanimo Bay.

  • IKE

    Hilarious!!
    You shouldn’t have picked on Julius, now his mother is coming for you. Ma Julius!
    Or is it the esteemed Muslim Cleric Mufti Adam al Jamali from East London.

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