Azad Essa
Azad Essa

Is Malema just a pinker Floyd?

Zimbabwean journalists, now illegal workers living in Jozi’s mines, have discovered a secret dossier that showcases one Julius Malema suffering from clinical depression. The dossier, found in the abandoned mines of Diepklip bordering the dry Mid-rand suburb of Kraakfontein (opposite the KFC) is a collection of transcribed counselling sessions between Malema, an unnamed psychiatrist, only known as “Doctor” and presumably three executive members of the ANC.

The dossier is made up of three sections, “Report A: JM Matrix”; “Report B: JM Reloaded” and “Report C: JM Counter-revolution”, pinpoints key attempts to steer Malema into heading the ANC leadership from 2014.

More than anything else, it is an exploration of the difficulties faced by the ANC in rearing their latest protégé.

“Last week I got lost in my own house,” Malema arbitrarily admits during a round-table discussion in Report B: JM Reloaded.

“I still don’t know how many rooms I have, and these doors seem to take me to different places” adds Malema.

Report A recounts up to thirteen interventions since December 2008 in which the ANC top brass have had to prevent a heavily medicated Malema from slitting his wrists.

It is alleged that the trouble started when Malema realised that the woman who had once accused President Jacob Zuma of rape was actually his second cousin’s sister.

“I can’t keep up this charade any more chief,” Malema is quoted to have said following the realisation,

“I think I have become a counter-weight; perhaps it’s time for me to go?”

Whilst the document highlights some of the weaknesses in leadership currently experienced by the ANC, experts say that it is the role of ANCYL spokesperson Floyd, that disturbs them most.

According to the Zimbabwean reporters, it was precisely Malema’s reliance on quoting Floyd during counselling sessions that caught their attention.

In Report C: JM Counter-revolution, Malema sings to his doctor about his vision for a new South Africa: “We don’t need no education. We don’t need no thought control; no dark sarcasm in the classroom; teachers leave them kids alone.”

“But my mother tells me she would like me to go back to university,” Malema soberly concludes to his psychiatrist.

The three-ply document skid-marks an ANC that is growing rapidly impatient with Malema’s flatulent histrionics. Following Malema’s admission in the report that “kill the boers was not my idea in the first place”, one ANC exec member identified only as CH in the dossier is quoted as saying “stop being a squealing bitch”, whilst another, identified as JD is quoted as having “grunted” at Malema’s concerns.

“Remember what we have done for you Juliass,” drags CH.

Malema says that he was finding it difficult to even just have a quiet drink with his white friends from Sandton.

“I really do have white friends! These songs scare them chief … imagine if they leave the country and we are forced to actually keep our word and nationalise the mines. We would be f*****,” he continues.

“You are too stressed, Julius … you should consider doing some exercise,” says the Doctor.

“Yes, are you a member of Virgin?” aks JD.

“Ey Chief! I have children,” Malema’s replies.

But other sections of the dossier, experts say, prove to be more ominous than funny.

One sociologist said that the dossier is “damning, damaging but not debilitating” because it shows that “Malema is reflecting on his erratic behaviour”.

“This is ample proof that the lad has a brain, and despite his apparent thirst to stir violence, intolerance and gender disparity, he just wants to make his mother happy,” says sociologist Jaco van der Westwood from the University of BEE.

“It appears he is stuck in a catch-22 situation,” says Precious Ncube, a psychologist at the Cuckoo’s Nest in Middle Burg.

“On the one hand he loves the attention of being the Prince of the ANC, able to raise his voice and cause a flutter whenever he wants — but he knows that dislodging this firebrand image is going to be difficult to negotiate. People don’t expect him to be the Marshmellow man, but if Julius needs a hug and can’t get it … God forbid.”

“This is a new century. This can drive a man to suicide,” adds Ncube.

However, Malema sees suicide as a shot at martyrdom.

“I think by taking my own life, it will show how counter revolutionaries still have such a psychological advantage over black people,” suggests Malema in Report C: JM Counter-revolution

“Even with all my wealth, I still feel incomplete,” adds an emotional Malema.

“But our country’s Constitution often comes in the way. And seriously, we black people need new lyricists,” added Malema.

ANC insiders nevertheless say far too much money has gone into Malema for them to simply let him die.

“Julius would like to think that he is replaceable. But he is not. There is no one like him. Yes, there are literally millions of young black and white males waiting to take his place but no one highlights and distracts the nation like Julius,” said the source.

“He would be a regrettable loss.”

In a dramatic twist, Zimbabwean journalists said they agreed to return the full document to the ANC if “the South African government gives our country back”.

A statement released by the Zimbabwean Journalists in Exile Association, now working as illegal miners, declares their motion “to return the entire document to the ANC NEC following a process that would get us out of the mines and back into the newsrooms of Harare”.

“The blood of the real South Africa flows within these mines … the ANC knows that this is a sensitive, coded document of high importance. We will give their life back … but we want our lives back first,” the statement added.

Attempts to reach comment from the ANCYL proved fruitless, though Floyd hinted that Malema could be just be another brick in the wall.

SpeakZA: Bloggers for a free press

  • Muhammed Moosa

    lol. Great article dude… Marshmellow man? hahaha

  • http://thoughtleader.co.za/mandelarhodesscholars Mandela Rhodes Scholars

    I think you’ve stirred the shrink in me and popped an idea for a good book. Under wraps for now. But you can write the Foreword 😉

  • http://www.thoughtleader.co.za/mandelarhodesscholars suntosh

    I should’ve logged out before posting that last comment — so it should be signed off from me and not the Mandela Rhodes Scholars!

  • MsAnnThrope

    Wicked funny!

  • ndamono shikoyeni

    personally i think this whole report thing is just a hoax..a hoax planned by someone who is smart, intelligent an obviously a malema hater..dont get me wrong im not exactly malem’s number one fan i just think this is going a bit to far in all the accusations people have put against him..peace

  • John Everyman

    Another fine and witty piece of work. However, in my opinion, the problem presented by Julius Malema is not the one commonly commented on in the press. Malema appears to me to be in a way similar to Jacob Zuma. Both men are prepared to say rather grandiose (and at times contradictory) things to inspire people to follow and adore him. Indeed, it seemed to the casual observer of the recent 2009 election that in order to claw his way to power, Zuma was prepared to say almost anything. Julius Malema is a man in much the same mould. He seeks to popularize his office and energize his supporters by challenging traditional sources of power (at times with outlandish criticism). Given the extent to which he has risen in the ANC we must concede not only that Malema must be a calculating and shrew man BUT THAT SUCH A STRATEGY HAS WORKED FOR HIM. And that is of course where we find our problem: is not so much that Julius says bizarre things to secure his own popularity and power BUT that the outlandish things he says are popular and allow him to secure his power. Thus to be me, Julius Malema is a mirror reflecting the irrational nature of the South African soul. That part of us that is so easily seduced by the ramblings of the demagog, that part of us that would prefer to reduce all problems to vicious simplicity and disregard reason in favour of prejudice.

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  • Mike

    “When asked to comment, spokesman for the ANC, Jackson Mthembu said: “Hic, one, maca two, maca three, macarana, heyyyy macarana ….hic”

  • Angie Endersohn

    bloody brilliant. our sense of humour is all that’s keeping us sane in this country!!!
    i prefer this to the drivel that’s being served up as of late…

  • MLH

    Wish it were true…

  • http://www.thoughtleader.co.za/azadessa Azad Essa

    Yes Ndamo, this is scam. fraud. send the Zimbabweans back to their hole

  • http://www.ekh.co.za Ebrahim-Khalil Hassen

    Azad, thanks. This is a hilarious, and intelligent take on JM.

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