Azad Essa

The Rocky Horror Media Show

In a dramatic turnaround, South African journalists have welcomed the proposed changes to the Protection of Information Bill and the Media Appeals Tribunal, as vetted by the national government last month. The South African National Editors’ Forum (Sanef) hosted a press conference in Pretoria on Tuesday issuing an apology for the initial “hysterical” reaction to…

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There is no Zapiro, only Zuul

If you haven’t sniggered, burped or laughed at the recent Zapiro-Muslim cartoon debacle then you probably had a very pleasant weekend. Other citizens with real jobs, like the Mail & Guardian crew, fielded threats all morning on Friday from irate Muslims incensed by Zapiro’s latest offering depicting their Prophet as a psycho-case needing therapy for…

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Shape without drape: Muslim fashion du jour

Tens of thousands of Muslims marched through the streets of Paris yesterday to bid farewell to the burqa that is due to make its way out of French society, just in time for Summer 2010. Demonstrators cried, sang victory songs and waved an array of screaming banners: from the eccentric “Free at last” and “Thank…

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Was Terror’Blanche a Muslim?

As racial tensions continue to rise over the murder of Eugene Terre’Blanche, and renewed concerns about the ability of black people to host thousands of visiting white people for the WC in June flourish, the South African Muslim and Halaal Authority (SAMHA), report that they have been inundated by calls from foreigners asking “if it…

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Fat cats and foul play

I am at Moses Mabhida Stadium for a tour, when the cute journo I’m chatting to spots a giant leopard bobbing his fractious head for a couple of photographers to our immediate left. “Ah, first Sepp Blatter, then Deputy President Kgalema Motlanthe and now the famous Zakumi, esteemed World Cup mascot dressed in a long…

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Is Malema just a pinker Floyd?

Zimbabwean journalists, now illegal workers living in Jozi’s mines, have discovered a secret dossier that showcases one Julius Malema suffering from clinical depression. The dossier, found in the abandoned mines of Diepklip bordering the dry Mid-rand suburb of Kraakfontein (opposite the KFC) is a collection of transcribed counselling sessions between Malema, an unnamed psychiatrist, only…

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One hundred days to being screwed over

I don’t like press conferences. Organised to propagate nothing more than a particular message, they are spaces where real questions are rarely asked because they are really no place for real answers. Everything is pre-empted, rehearsed, and answers are a performed act, designed by media experts, advisers and prom queen mothers. Everyone knows that real…

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Two kilos of tenderised Malema please!

With the country in a tizz after sizzling reactions to severe price hikes as “tenderised Malema” hit the newsstands, fictitious members of the ANC top-brass met at an emergency meeting on Monday to resolve the latest crisis in the party. As news of government tenders enhancing the meagre salaries of government officials, their families, and…

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A pub crawl for the president

I know nothing about pubs and bars, except of course what Hollywood has taught me. This means that my idea of bars save a couple of visits with friends is really imprinted with the image of depressed sods having reconciliatory drinks before going home to the government, the all-knowing-gun-toting-barman and the college dropout barmaid serving…

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I don’t blame Zuma, I blame you

Three months before he was voted in as president, Zuma took out his machine gun and slipped a ball through Irvin Khoza’s legs. In most countries, this would be called “infidelity”, in South Africa it’s called shibobo. No wonder we’re such poor footballers. The knives are predictably out, not for a c-section, but for Zuma’s…

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