Hansie Smit

Phiyega explains ‘eat your heart out’ reference

Embattled police commissioner Riah Phiyega has come forward to explain the “eat your heart out” reference made in an SMS sent to DA MP Dianne Kohler-Barnard. Speaking via SMS, SA’s top cop said she heard the saying during a “Nigella show” and thought it would be applicable. She went on to explain the entire SMS…

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Astronaut slams ‘Banting in space’

SPACE (Field Reporter) US astronaut Scott Kelly is not happy with the red romaine lettuce served on board the International Space Station. Speaking from space, a clearly emotional Kelly declared the dish “an insult to anyone who’s ever worn a space suit”. “I didn’t come to space to lose weight,” he said. Kelly (43) said…

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Dear Greece

It is not the best of times. I’m not sure what the problem is over there, but it seems to be affecting everyone. Angela Merkel is angry, your own prime minister looks a little bewildered and the people of Greece, you, are hurting most of all. As far as I can tell your banks let…

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Con Air: African Escape

We open on SA President Jacob Zuma seeing off Sudan President Omar al-Bashir at Air Force Base Waterkloof. They kiss, but in a friendly way. Al Bashir lifts his robe, boards a plane and takes off. Murder accused Christopher Panayiotou and Zwelethu Mthethwa run onto the tarmac. PANAYIOTOU: What about us? ZUMA: No, not you….

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Welcome to The Pollsmoor & Blatter

Welcome everyone. Here at The Pollsmoor & Blatter we pride ourselves on a five-star rating for excellence as depicted in the movie Vyfster available on the movie channel, channel 4, on the in-house entertainment bouquet. Please leave all your personal belongings at the front desk and follow the concierge for personalised his and his bathroom…

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The bitter sugar debate

At a kid’s birthday party recently someone remarked how thin I looked. I told the lady I was following Tim Noakes’ low-carb-high-fat Banting diet. I told her I ate butter like it’s cheese. She gasped a little. I told her I cut sugar completely out of my diet, which made some of the guests stop…

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My hot date with the prez

The invitation arrived by blue-light brigade in a red envelope. “Will you be my Valentine?” it read. “Well, yes!” I replied. It’s a little early for Valentine’s I thought, but hey, it’s not every day you get a Valentine’s letter with a presidential seal. What to wear? A two-tone shirt will set the wrong tone….

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Hello Eskom my old friend

They tell me you’ll be visiting again soon bringing Load Shedding with you. They don’t know exactly when that will be, but knowing you guys, it’s safe to assume it will be at the most awkward moment possible. In preparation of your visit I went to the trouble jotting down notes to make your stay…

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A day on WhatsApp

“Get on WhatsApp!” they told me. “It’s FREE!” they said. So I caved. Not one to miss out on a freebie I headed down to the nearest Vodacom shop to connect my BlackBerry to the internet for R59 a month to get WhatsApp for “free”. BIS the shop girl called it. You’re damn right it’s…

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Birding for beginners

Twitching is a term used in birding circles to describe the act of travelling far and wide to track down rare birds. Twerking is a term used in birding circles to describe the act of standing in the bush with your tush in the air chasing off birds. Our hiking party did neither on the…

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