Gavin Foster

Gun control — clutching at straws

As I labour away at my keyboard I can hear excited Englishmen on Sky News babbling on in the background about a much-needed revamp of British gun laws. Good! If the law is changed so as to make guns more accessible to the ordinary Englishman the authorities could in future warn him about the eruptions…

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Shake off the 2010 World Cup hangover with Sepp!

TO: Federation Internationale de Football Association Fifa-Strasse 20, PO BOX 8044 Zurich, Switzerland Att: Mr Sepp Blatter FROM: Gavin Foster 25 March 2010 Good morning Mr Blatter I know you’re a very busy man, what with checking that nobody makes any money from the World Cup without giving your organisation a fat chunk of it,…

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Enough of this ‘parenting’ nonsense — raise your kids on lies!

If it were up to me, every single book ever written about “parenting” would be burnt and its author shot. I brought my kids up by following three basic maxims: never make a threat you can’t keep, always treat children like ordinary little people, and lie to them as much as you can — that’s…

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Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a shit… Nativity as we’ve never seen it.

It took a very special kind of mind to conjure up the idea of introducing a scatological theme into the nativity scene. Somewhere, sometime in the distant past, an anonymous Spaniard said to his mates, “I know how to brighten up our display. Let’s put the queen around the side of the stable.” Somebody else…

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Manto’s gone, so what?

So Gareth Cliff is insensitive for speaking ill of the dead. We should obviously now accept the word of the ANC that Manto Tshabalala-Msimang didn’t use her influence to hijack a donor liver from somebody who’d been waiting much longer than she had, and the stories about her kleptomania were surely contrived by her political…

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So who is this Che Guevara then?

When the news broke that Durban’s Moore Road was going to be renamed after a famous motorcyclist I nearly choked on my morning muffin. Was the ruling party going soft? Which of our province’s four motorcycle world champions had cracked the nod? The thought of riding my bike down Ballington Boulevard, Ekerold Expressway, Langston Close…

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Semenya saga simply brings out the worst in South Africans

Seldom has there ever been such a clear and insane demonstration of hysteria overwhelming reason as we’ve been subjected to in the last week or so. Every two-bit hack in the country has churned out an article on sex or gender testing, how it’s done, and what it can or cannot prove. Almost every columnist…

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Daddy, I ate the battery! The insanity of the PC brigade

I don’t know about you, but if I bought my kids motorcycles or quads I’d be very, very surprised, not to mention annoyed, if the little bastards ate them. I owned about three bicycles before I saved enough dosh to buy my own 50cc buzz-bike when I was 16, yet I and millions of other…

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Get to know your leaders:let’s have a Big Brother election!

Two dozen political candidates, four hookers, one house, loads of booze, and ready access to weapons. Each candidate would be given R10 000 to protect, all cupboard keys would be removed, and the hookers’ gender balance would be adjusted periodically to match the needs of the remaining housemates. Within a month or two we’d surely…

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Dear Mr Obama — what if Bush won’t go?

Dear Mr Obama, While the rest of the world celebrates your election victory, I worry about the future of your great country. Not because I question your ability to perform, but because everybody, everywhere, is overlooking an enormous and obvious threat to your presidency. What happens if George won’t go? It’s happened before, you know,…

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